Jan 19, 2009

Pictures of Pornography: Men Marriage, and (not) Making Love

An utterly AMAZINIG post by a well-known blogger, Hugo Schwyzer. Go read this please, if you are married, and if you are either a man or a woman. :)

This post has inspired me to finish up my POP&LDS series.

disclaimer: Read the post, and then, if you want, read the comments... but I can't guarantee that the comments won't contain some offensive material; this site is about non-moderation (for the most part) and so sometimes there are things that would be offensive to some people. The post itself, though... wow. Entirely wonderful and celestial. And if you want to start a discussion over here too, I'm OK with trying to accommodate that.

Jan 18, 2009

phases and drama

So, Jaws has been having a tough month. She has been really really clingy, needing mom, not wanting to be left alone ever. She has even been having a hard time with nursery, which never was an issue before.

It sort of came out of nowhere. I think it might possibly be connected with potty training and generally getting older and more verbal. She is becoming more able to make more sense of this confusing world and therefore, is realizing that she is growing up. Maybe she is less sure of her standing in the family, and her relationship to me? I'll hold her and stroke her arm and maybe give her a kiss and say, "are you my baby girl?" And sometimes she'll nod and sometimes she'll say, "No mom. I'm a Jaws." or shake her head and say "I'm a girl, mom."

It's hard growing up. Poor kid. And I must admit that this last month has been a little hard on me, too... often in the morning I'll be holding Jaws on one side, Nursing squirt on the other and trying to go through our online K12 course material with Loli. Luckily, Loli is of an age to be able to fetch and carry. And having her, my big girl, be so helpful and studious and capable and sweet... it helps me see the light at the end of the tunnel with my others.

I want to make sure that Loli and Jaws and Squirt negotiate these tough phases, and make sure they come out at the other end with a secure idea of my love and support for them, and of their own value in the world. On the other hand, I also sometimes need to do dishes. Sigh. I think I'd better plan on starting to get up before the kids do, maybe. I am sooooo not a morning person; I think it's physical trauma from getting up at 4:45 in the morning and then getting to bed around 10:30 at night my entire senior year. My sleep cycles have never really recovered. Plus, Squirt's still waking up once or twice at night to nurse and cuddle.

burning the candle at both ends=required in motherhood.

I just pray my sanity and body can keep up. I'd never trade it, though. For anything. Not even a lifetime supply of Totino's frozen pizza and ranch dressing.

Jan 12, 2009

LDS, Negotiating Post-Partum Depression

I wanted to link to this utterly wonderful article written by a good friend of ours, which includes a story of a woman with Post-Partum depression. Please go read... I have not often read anything this honest, describing the feelings and difficulties of PPD, and braving the recovery process. I am amazed at this woman's guts and resilience, and hope that if I ever find myself enduring serious depression, I am strong enough to follow in her footsteps.

Jan 4, 2009

Life Sure Takes You

Do you ever go back on your blogs or in your journals and read some of your old entries, and marvel at how your life has changed? I look back on life two and a half years ago and cannot believe how my priorities have shifted, and how much more at peace I feel about some aspects of my life.

This post in particular really made me remember a lot of the stress and strangeness of my life as it was transitioning from single-parent-working-momhood. Also just coming out of a lot of difficulty, and the resulting feelings of anxiety and insecurity.

sooooo drained....

Can I just say that the world caught up with me and dumped its entire contents in my lap today?

Can I complain a little about the fact that I'm 6 1/2 months pregnant and still look bascially like I have a beer belly?

Oh, how about this: my laundry smells sour because the dryer I use doesn't work well and so I have to leave them half dry and I overdid it last time without the benefit of a dryer sheet.

Yikes. I just feel so overwhelmed. I gave a lesson in church today about a really ugly subject matter: pornography. The hardest part was that I suddenly realized that this is a subject that is probably going to follow me around for the rest of my life, so I better get comfortable with it. You know when you have the sudden dawning insight that your mission in life is one that you would never have thought or chosen but somehow is strangely appropriate and oddly comfortable? Well there it is. One of my missions in life: to educate people about how to help those who struggle with pornography, or the loved ones of those who have difficulties.

Thank God that we don't go through pain for nothing.... but there is an entirely different kind of pain that we experience when we really reach out and help those around us. And it's something we can't avoid if we're really doing our best to be God's instruments.

What a sensitive, wimpy soul I feel I have sometimes. And yet sometimes i know I'm strong.

In the aftermath of that lesson, however, I didn't want to go to work and face 18 anorexic and bulimic women with severe depressive problems and tragic backgrounds. I wanted to curl up in a ball and sleep away the day. But here I am. All the girls are in bed. I check them every half hour... and it's oddly reminiscent of when I checked every half hour on my newborn daughter for the first week or so after her birth, terrified I would find that she'd stopped breathing.

Sometimes I venture into one of the girls' rooms and pause for a minute or so until I can see the reassuring rise and fall of a quilt cover.

The girl we keep out here... the one we just discovered with tons of contraband pills...
she's snoring. So I know she's OK.

My daughter is warm and safe in her bed, without me to check on her... and my husband, alone in his.

It's gonna be a long night.

Labels: omphaloskepsis

posted by NoSurfGirl | 22:32 | 0 comments

Sometimes it's nice to go back and look at the rough spots in ones' life and be grateful we can look back on them. There will be more ahead, but right now, life is pretty good.