It's been a while since I posted.
I'm feeling a little angsty right now. I don't like feeling like people depend on me, this is something I have realized. How silly is that? I am the DEFINITION of depended upon. Mom, wife, beehive advisor, friend, homeschooler, etc etc etc. Today I feel like shirking it all, holing up in my room and playing Civilization IV for five hours.
I've been reading my journal lately in preparation for the YW lesson I gave today on personal records. I realized I was kind of a brat when I was 13. But I had a lot of good qualities, too. It's funny, the two other women who read entries from their journals were also embarrassed by how silly they felt they were; how "shallow" or "wrapped up in unimportant things"...
do we put too much pressure on our young selves? I wonder if this leads to putting too much pressure on our own children, particularly our firstborn children. I felt like my parents came down pretty hard on me when I was that age. A piece of me reads this 13 year old version of myself and is a little disgusted, and I wonder if that's not a ridiculous, uncharitable way to be. I wonder if I'm going to be as critical of myself when I read my blog and journal entries in another sixteen years.
Maybe this is the most difficult aspect of "not judging," giving ourselves, in our weaknesses and periods of growth and youth, a break.
Just some things I've been pondering.
May 31, 2009
May 18, 2009
A Motley Vision
A new favorite site. I have a small, tenuous spark of hope that I might be able to get brave enough to comment. They have offered for me to author an article on electronic media... podcast novels and blogfiction. I'm hoping that, at the same time, they'll allow me to put in a plug for the podcast novel I am currently working on.
(Yes! A podcast novel! And it will be free... and fun, I hope. And possibly the first free, LDS fiction in the form of podcast. Aren't I oddly ambitious?)
ANyway, I've written the entire thing, and proofread it, and now am recording it in episodes. After all my episodes are recorded, I will begin releasing them serially on a weekly basis. I'm totally excited... I love this story, and love being a part of the Utah and Mormon writing communities, and I hope that my novel will take off so that many others will enjoy the story, too.
(Yes! A podcast novel! And it will be free... and fun, I hope. And possibly the first free, LDS fiction in the form of podcast. Aren't I oddly ambitious?)
ANyway, I've written the entire thing, and proofread it, and now am recording it in episodes. After all my episodes are recorded, I will begin releasing them serially on a weekly basis. I'm totally excited... I love this story, and love being a part of the Utah and Mormon writing communities, and I hope that my novel will take off so that many others will enjoy the story, too.
May 17, 2009
Obama: 2 misnomers
When my friends somehow find out (probably the series of bumper stickers on my poop covered intrepid) that I'm an Obama supporter, these are the two things I hear after all the normal silliness about fascism and dictatorships and socialism etc etc.
Misnomer # 1) Obama wants to kill lots of babies.
Quote: "Obama supports abortion rights but says the procedure should be rare." Full text Here.
Sounds to me like it's not imcompatible with this, other statement:
"Church leaders have said that some exceptional circumstances may justify an abortion, such as when pregnancy is the result of incest or rape, when the life or health of the mother is judged by competent medical authority to be in serious jeopardy, or when the fetus is known by competent medical authority to have severe defects that will not allow the baby to survive beyond birth. But even these circumstances do not automatically justify an abortion. Those who face such circumstances should consider abortion only after consulting with their local Church leaders and receiving a confirmation through earnest prayer." Full text here.
Misnomer #2: Obama is pro gay marriage.
I don't understand where anyone comes up with this. Obama has actually caught a lot of heat from the more liberal elements of his party (and from his GLBT constituents), for his stance on gay marriage, which is this:
Although Barack Obama has said that he supports civil unions, he is against gay marriage. In an interview with the Chicago Daily Tribune, Obama said, "I'm a Christian. And so, although I try not to have my religious beliefs dominate or determine my political views on this issue, I do believe that tradition, and my religious beliefs say that marriage is something sanctified between a man and a woman."
Full text here.
So, with that off my chest...
is anyone else absolutely thrilled at the nomination of Gov. Huntsman as ambassador to China? Not only because Huntsman will make a GREAT chinese ambassador (speaks fluent Mandarin, has an adopted chinese daughter, close ties with the culture) and is another example of Mormon Stellar Politician put in the political spotlight but...
because Obama picked him. Even though he was co-chairman of John McCain's Presidential campaign.
I'm sad to see Huntsman go as governor. But Barack, you have earned some more love from me. I might not agree with you entirely on fiscal matters, but as a person, I admire you and as a politician, I admire the way you've lived up to your promise to try to "reach across party lines." As someone completely disenchanted by both parties, I can appreciate your lack of willingness to toe the line in every instance, and to reach across it to bring talent to your presidency.
*OK, done gushing now.*
Misnomer # 1) Obama wants to kill lots of babies.
Quote: "Obama supports abortion rights but says the procedure should be rare." Full text Here.
Sounds to me like it's not imcompatible with this, other statement:
"Church leaders have said that some exceptional circumstances may justify an abortion, such as when pregnancy is the result of incest or rape, when the life or health of the mother is judged by competent medical authority to be in serious jeopardy, or when the fetus is known by competent medical authority to have severe defects that will not allow the baby to survive beyond birth. But even these circumstances do not automatically justify an abortion. Those who face such circumstances should consider abortion only after consulting with their local Church leaders and receiving a confirmation through earnest prayer." Full text here.
Misnomer #2: Obama is pro gay marriage.
I don't understand where anyone comes up with this. Obama has actually caught a lot of heat from the more liberal elements of his party (and from his GLBT constituents), for his stance on gay marriage, which is this:
Although Barack Obama has said that he supports civil unions, he is against gay marriage. In an interview with the Chicago Daily Tribune, Obama said, "I'm a Christian. And so, although I try not to have my religious beliefs dominate or determine my political views on this issue, I do believe that tradition, and my religious beliefs say that marriage is something sanctified between a man and a woman."
Full text here.
So, with that off my chest...
is anyone else absolutely thrilled at the nomination of Gov. Huntsman as ambassador to China? Not only because Huntsman will make a GREAT chinese ambassador (speaks fluent Mandarin, has an adopted chinese daughter, close ties with the culture) and is another example of Mormon Stellar Politician put in the political spotlight but...
because Obama picked him. Even though he was co-chairman of John McCain's Presidential campaign.
I'm sad to see Huntsman go as governor. But Barack, you have earned some more love from me. I might not agree with you entirely on fiscal matters, but as a person, I admire you and as a politician, I admire the way you've lived up to your promise to try to "reach across party lines." As someone completely disenchanted by both parties, I can appreciate your lack of willingness to toe the line in every instance, and to reach across it to bring talent to your presidency.
*OK, done gushing now.*
May 8, 2009
Gearing up for the adoption: Learning it all, and then forgetting
In preparation for bringing home our two girls, I have read book after book and website after website on attachment, parenting children with problems/tragedy and issues, parenting in general, parenting black children in a white home, parenting foreign children in an American home, black hair care and skin care, Ethiopian culture, customs and traditions, and any other subject I could think of that may help.
Even before this, I have always had a fascination with adoption and attachment, and child trauma and grieving. Growing up, I knew a family who had adopted several older children out of the US foster care system. Some of the situations turned out wonderfully, and others were complete heartbreak for the adoptive family. Oddly, this is what initially inspired me to think about adoption for myself. I have no idea why... shouldn't something like that be a deterrent? I feel like the Spirit was telling me, even then, that this was what I was going to do, and that it would be difficult, yes, but I would do it and Heavenly Father would help me handle it.
In college I studied Psychology, with an emphasis on child developmental psych. I took the course and TA'd it, and did my end-of-year project on Adoption and Attachment disorders. In my technical writing class, I did my project on Adoption and Attachment disorders. I wrote several of my psych papers on... Adoption and Attachment disorders.
I joined the psych research lab of a prominent BYU child developmental psychologist, and headed up a massive lit review on Child Traumatic Grief. I've read Rutter, Bowlby, and many more modern attachment and child grief theorists. Rutter wrote over 300 articles, just thought I'd let you know. His work was with Romanian orphans and their adoptive families.
Add to that the hours of adoption classes our Homestudy Agency requires, and the email lists I have gleaned for three solid pages of referrals and information I might need...
I'm trying to forget it all.
As we take these final steps to prepare for bringing Woinshet and Meaza home, I realize that I have prepared as much as I could (over-prepared, to be honest)... and I don't want to put problems in where they aren't. I want to erase my mind of all that "could" happen and instead focus on our new kids. I don't want to borrow trouble, though I have prepared extensively for trouble. I don't want to be so trigger-happy, looking for trauma and maladjustment, that I create an issue where there really isn't one... or an attachment problem where really, it's just normal kids trying to adjust to a new mom who they don't know, and grieving the loss of a previous mom that I never knew.
I am bringing one, and only one book with me to Ethiopia when we leave: The Family Nobody Wanted, by Helen Doss. This book is the most positive, amazing, heartbreaking, touching tome on adoption I have ever read. It's a woman simply telling her own story...
Helen Doss and her husband, who was a protestant minister, discovered they could not have children. And so they decided to adopt. The first baby they brought home was stereotypically the perfect child, "fit right in" to their family. He was blond, and had no physical problems. They named him David, giving him the adoptive father's name. But Helen, who had always envisioned herself with a large family, got baby hungry again. At the agency, they told her it was unlikely she'd get another child, unless she was willing to take one that was "less acceptable." When she inquired what that meant, they brought her to see two little babies: a sweet, healthy, gorgeous little girl of Mexican heritage, who was labeled undesireable because of her race, and a little sickly, white baby girl with a large strawberry birthmark covering half her face.
She took them both.
And then she adopted nine more, all of various diverse ethnicities and situations. By the time she finished adopting, she was adopting older kids, she was adopting two at a time, she was taking in troubled foster children... and all of this during the 1940's and 50's, when there were no Angelina Jolies or Madonnas adopting foreign children and setting trends. This was during the time of World War II, when we here in America were putting American citizens into internment camps simply because of racial background. This was still during the time of Jim Crow, when segregation was the norm in large parts of the country. How did she do it? When you read this woman's book, you sense no bitterness, no agonizing over the difficulties she must have faced, no anger at those around her who made insensitive remarks. She quietly educated, and just expected her kids to be included. She helped them through tough spots, using her own religious beliefs and general friendliness to build bridges.
this woman is my hero. Go read her book. But be forewarned... you may end up convinced.
Even before this, I have always had a fascination with adoption and attachment, and child trauma and grieving. Growing up, I knew a family who had adopted several older children out of the US foster care system. Some of the situations turned out wonderfully, and others were complete heartbreak for the adoptive family. Oddly, this is what initially inspired me to think about adoption for myself. I have no idea why... shouldn't something like that be a deterrent? I feel like the Spirit was telling me, even then, that this was what I was going to do, and that it would be difficult, yes, but I would do it and Heavenly Father would help me handle it.
In college I studied Psychology, with an emphasis on child developmental psych. I took the course and TA'd it, and did my end-of-year project on Adoption and Attachment disorders. In my technical writing class, I did my project on Adoption and Attachment disorders. I wrote several of my psych papers on... Adoption and Attachment disorders.
I joined the psych research lab of a prominent BYU child developmental psychologist, and headed up a massive lit review on Child Traumatic Grief. I've read Rutter, Bowlby, and many more modern attachment and child grief theorists. Rutter wrote over 300 articles, just thought I'd let you know. His work was with Romanian orphans and their adoptive families.
Add to that the hours of adoption classes our Homestudy Agency requires, and the email lists I have gleaned for three solid pages of referrals and information I might need...
I'm trying to forget it all.
As we take these final steps to prepare for bringing Woinshet and Meaza home, I realize that I have prepared as much as I could (over-prepared, to be honest)... and I don't want to put problems in where they aren't. I want to erase my mind of all that "could" happen and instead focus on our new kids. I don't want to borrow trouble, though I have prepared extensively for trouble. I don't want to be so trigger-happy, looking for trauma and maladjustment, that I create an issue where there really isn't one... or an attachment problem where really, it's just normal kids trying to adjust to a new mom who they don't know, and grieving the loss of a previous mom that I never knew.
I am bringing one, and only one book with me to Ethiopia when we leave: The Family Nobody Wanted, by Helen Doss. This book is the most positive, amazing, heartbreaking, touching tome on adoption I have ever read. It's a woman simply telling her own story...
Helen Doss and her husband, who was a protestant minister, discovered they could not have children. And so they decided to adopt. The first baby they brought home was stereotypically the perfect child, "fit right in" to their family. He was blond, and had no physical problems. They named him David, giving him the adoptive father's name. But Helen, who had always envisioned herself with a large family, got baby hungry again. At the agency, they told her it was unlikely she'd get another child, unless she was willing to take one that was "less acceptable." When she inquired what that meant, they brought her to see two little babies: a sweet, healthy, gorgeous little girl of Mexican heritage, who was labeled undesireable because of her race, and a little sickly, white baby girl with a large strawberry birthmark covering half her face.
She took them both.
And then she adopted nine more, all of various diverse ethnicities and situations. By the time she finished adopting, she was adopting older kids, she was adopting two at a time, she was taking in troubled foster children... and all of this during the 1940's and 50's, when there were no Angelina Jolies or Madonnas adopting foreign children and setting trends. This was during the time of World War II, when we here in America were putting American citizens into internment camps simply because of racial background. This was still during the time of Jim Crow, when segregation was the norm in large parts of the country. How did she do it? When you read this woman's book, you sense no bitterness, no agonizing over the difficulties she must have faced, no anger at those around her who made insensitive remarks. She quietly educated, and just expected her kids to be included. She helped them through tough spots, using her own religious beliefs and general friendliness to build bridges.
this woman is my hero. Go read her book. But be forewarned... you may end up convinced.
May 2, 2009
Taking the schooling off-grid
I've been homeschooling this last year, using the K12 program. Which, technically, is not homeschooling, because it's considered public school, funded by the government, tracked and assessed by teachers who are put in charge of contingencies of parents. We used the curriculum given to us, and tracked our lesson hours panstakingly, adding in our practicing and lessons and all to make sure we met state requirements.
This year we're going off-grid.
I'm so excited. I needed this last year to get myself organized; with the accountability I was able to force myself to stick to a schedule. And I didn't have to deal with both the overwhelming stress of being solely responsible for my child's education, as well as choosing all curriculum, during our first-time experience. All in all, I think it was a good choice. But I'm ready to take it all into my own hands.
The books we were given were OK. I thought the phonics program, for instance, was fabulous for Loli's first semester... so many manipulatives and neat games and fun things. But by the time we got into the second half, she knew everything and spending too much time on any one lesson bored her to the point of fidgeting, stalling, messing around with things at her desk, etc. So we just did the worksheets, and she still tested amazingly on every assessment. She's ready to move on. I think I'm ready, too.
I'm so excited. I've had a year in the homeschoolig coop to talk curriculum and preferences. I'm currently reading A Thomas Jefferson Education and it resonates sooooo well with what I feel and what I believe, and how I feel Loli especially would enjoy learning. Before the beginning of the next school year I also plan on finishing The Well Trained Mind and Diane Hopkins' Book.
The curriculum that I have chosen, based on what I have read, and the in-depth conversations and discussions in the homeschooling group:
Math: Saxon Math, level 2 Workbook and Homeschool Teacher's Guide.
Writing: Jr. Greatbooks series 2, 1st and 2nd semester
Handwriting Without Tears
Plus essay writing every day on the topics that we cover/book reports on the stories and books that are completed.
Reading: I am buying a bunch of paperbacks, starting with easier, shorter stories graduating to more challenging ones. The books I plan to do, in order are:
Addy Learns a Lesson (loli's already read the first book in the series)
Betsy-Tacy
Wayside School is Falling Down
Mr. Popper's Penguins
Charlotte's Web
A Little Princess
We'll see how many of those we get through. Yes, it's ambitious for second grade, but Skywalker (entirely homeschooled) was reading Ivanhoe at age 8, and Loli's already a ferociously amazing reader... and getting better at an astronomic rate. So I'm optomistic.
For Social Studies, we'll do the Story of the World audiobook, volume 1 (ancient times) in conjunction with Geopuzzles of Africa, Europe and Asia to learn geography. We already have a globe, too, which my kids love playing with.
For Science, We'll be utilizing A Charlotte Mason Study Guide. I was all set to get a giant book of science experiments to do in the home, too, but Loli informed me that she wants to learn about "all the animals in the world" so we'll be focusing on animals instead, using a set of jr worldbook encyclopedias that was gifted to us by my mother, and checking Iwitness and Nova videos from our local library. I'm still going to buy the Everything Kids Science Experiments book and do some experiments every once in a while.
I'm actually pretty dang excited. Which is a good sign... one thing I have realized is that, if I'm excited about something, Loli gets excited about it to. Honestly... that last sentence I wrote may be the big secret to successful homeschooling.
This year we're going off-grid.
I'm so excited. I needed this last year to get myself organized; with the accountability I was able to force myself to stick to a schedule. And I didn't have to deal with both the overwhelming stress of being solely responsible for my child's education, as well as choosing all curriculum, during our first-time experience. All in all, I think it was a good choice. But I'm ready to take it all into my own hands.
The books we were given were OK. I thought the phonics program, for instance, was fabulous for Loli's first semester... so many manipulatives and neat games and fun things. But by the time we got into the second half, she knew everything and spending too much time on any one lesson bored her to the point of fidgeting, stalling, messing around with things at her desk, etc. So we just did the worksheets, and she still tested amazingly on every assessment. She's ready to move on. I think I'm ready, too.
I'm so excited. I've had a year in the homeschoolig coop to talk curriculum and preferences. I'm currently reading A Thomas Jefferson Education and it resonates sooooo well with what I feel and what I believe, and how I feel Loli especially would enjoy learning. Before the beginning of the next school year I also plan on finishing The Well Trained Mind and Diane Hopkins' Book.
The curriculum that I have chosen, based on what I have read, and the in-depth conversations and discussions in the homeschooling group:
Math: Saxon Math, level 2 Workbook and Homeschool Teacher's Guide.
Writing: Jr. Greatbooks series 2, 1st and 2nd semester
Handwriting Without Tears
Plus essay writing every day on the topics that we cover/book reports on the stories and books that are completed.
Reading: I am buying a bunch of paperbacks, starting with easier, shorter stories graduating to more challenging ones. The books I plan to do, in order are:
Addy Learns a Lesson (loli's already read the first book in the series)
Betsy-Tacy
Wayside School is Falling Down
Mr. Popper's Penguins
Charlotte's Web
A Little Princess
We'll see how many of those we get through. Yes, it's ambitious for second grade, but Skywalker (entirely homeschooled) was reading Ivanhoe at age 8, and Loli's already a ferociously amazing reader... and getting better at an astronomic rate. So I'm optomistic.
For Social Studies, we'll do the Story of the World audiobook, volume 1 (ancient times) in conjunction with Geopuzzles of Africa, Europe and Asia to learn geography. We already have a globe, too, which my kids love playing with.
For Science, We'll be utilizing A Charlotte Mason Study Guide. I was all set to get a giant book of science experiments to do in the home, too, but Loli informed me that she wants to learn about "all the animals in the world" so we'll be focusing on animals instead, using a set of jr worldbook encyclopedias that was gifted to us by my mother, and checking Iwitness and Nova videos from our local library. I'm still going to buy the Everything Kids Science Experiments book and do some experiments every once in a while.
I'm actually pretty dang excited. Which is a good sign... one thing I have realized is that, if I'm excited about something, Loli gets excited about it to. Honestly... that last sentence I wrote may be the big secret to successful homeschooling.
Apr 29, 2009
Apr 24, 2009
Pictures of Pornography: Part II interview with Jodi Hildebrandt
NSG: The other piece I wanted to talk to you about is, the spouses and people who struggle with those who have gotten into pornography deeply, or maybe even not so deeply. Maybe their spouse or boyfriend messes up while they're dating or while they're married, and maybe feels bad enough to go talk to them and tell them what happened. I actually was married to a pornography addict, and we divorced and now I'm married to someone different. It was a pretty public thing, like it was in the news, and on the television. In the aftermath of that, because my story was so public, people kept coming to me for advice, and all I could tell them was, go see a therapist, it's not your fault. You know, that's all I could say to them. But so many different women come to me with their friends' stories, or their fiance's stories, and some of them say, you know, my boyfriend looked at pornography, and I don't know if I should marry him. I guess that's one of the things I want to ask you about is, do you think it's important for... what would you say in that situation? Would you tell somebody like that, just leave him? Or would you tell them it's probably something you're going to be able to work out, or you should try and work it out? What sort of advice would you give somebody in that situation?
JH: The question is, somebody comes to you--you find out, that your fiancee is... has just looked at pornography, what kind of advice would I give them. I would need to know a lot more information. I am not one to say, you know... leave'em. Because I believe in these people. Actually, really thing, that addicts are... can be, amazing people if they would just be able to start healing the shame that drives them. There's a couple things. I'd want to know: how often he's been looking. Is this the first time, how quickly he came to you and told you, and is he willing to go get help? because if you're looking at pornography, in my estimation, more than one time, you are developing the possibility of having an addiction. If you looked at it more than five times, you have a problem. It means you're going back to it for some reason. And if you can't stop... I mean, the histories I hear of people are, I started at 9, or I started at 11, or I started at 13, and I got over it for awhile, and I picked back up off my mission, and here they are forty sevens in my office and they've had these stints. It doesn't ever stop, they always go back to it. I mean, someone might keep it in check for a year or something, but they always go back to it. Which tells me that, this shame is constantly in their system. Who knows how else they're acting out? They might be acting out with... maybe they're masturbating or maybe they're addictively spending money, or maybe they're having a beer, or maybe they're using some other way to act out in an addictive cycle, you have to satisfy that shame because, Shame is: I want to get away from it. I want to feel different. When I go spend money, I shift my mood. And I can do it in an addictive pattern, I could go gamble that way. I could go run that way. I could go eat that way. So, when people keep going back to it, those are the little seeds of addictive behavior. and so somebody will say, I just masturbate! It's not that big of a deal! It's not what you're doing. You masturbating vs somebody going to go pick up a prostitute in my mind is exactly the same.
NSG: Depends why the behavior is there.
JH: To them though, Oh no! That's much worse!I'm not judging the behavior. I'm just saying what drives it.If you keep doing this, just like this other person keeps doing this, it's all driven by one thing, which is the shame. And that's what has to be healed. So I would tell them: How much have they been looking, how quickly did they tell you, what was their behavior when they told you, were they really remorseful? Did they keep going back to it? Are they willing to get help? Are they willing to humble themselves?
NSG: Right.
JH: If they're willing to do those things, I say, hang in there. I wouldn't say, go get married right now, I'd probably say, give it a year, really see if he's willing to do the things that are necessary. Um, but yeah! He can be healed.
NSG: What about someone who has never really gotten to the point where they've looked at it five times in a row, but they, they looked at it once when they were twelve, for instance? And, a couple years later they encountered it again, and instead of turning away they looked at a couple more, when they encountered it. And then, maybe several years later, it hits again, they do it another time. What would you tell somebody with something like that?
JH: It's still addictive behavior. Because you keep going back to it. I've got a client right now, he has an addiction, and he only acts out one time a year. And he does it and--I mean, he literally only acts out one time a year. And the rest of the time he is in what's called, the preoccupation stage. All during the year. SO he goes to Europe every year, he's been doing it for fifteen year, and when he goes there, he picks up a male prostitute, and he acts out with him. But the whole 364 days before that time, he is thinking about it, he is planning it, he is making phone calls, he's preoccupied. And he's in a ritualistic state, OK. So it doesn't matter how often you do it, it's that I keep going back to it. Keep going back to it.
NSG: And if--so then, I guess the other question would be, what about somebody who has just looked at it once? And then confesses that to their spouse, or their girlfriend, something-- one thing I have noticed is, I think a lot of women just feel a great deal of shock and outrage when a spouse or a boyfriend confesses to something like this. And I think, you know... they should, because the person needs to feel that but what about somebody who just messes up once. Does that still, something that...
JH: No, but in my head I'm kinda skeptical about that. If I heard that. You know looking at pornography to me is not a mess up, if it's one time, when they're not looking for it. If they come across it and go, "whoa!" And if they really are conscious, they will go and say, oh honey, you know, I just looked up, and I had no idea, that's--in my mind, he was assaulted. They are assaulted. But if, I go-- say it happens to me and i go and let somebody know, I don't confess it, I just tell somebody, whoa! I was on the Internet, and this--- I mean, it's happened to me. I was on the Internet, and I was just like, Whoa! I need to get out of this, I need to X this! But I start finding myself thinking about it, or fantasizing about it, how do I get back, where do I go to get this... and THEN I don't tell, that's when I'm creating this addictive behavior. Addiction isn't just about the acting out, it's about all the behavior that goes with it. It's about the lying and the deceit and the manipulation, the aggressive trying to keep people away from it... those are all addictive behaviors.
NSG: Well that makes sense. Um, Julie Beck just gave a talk in a recent CES fireside where she advised women to stay far away from men whom they even suspect might have a pornography habit, and what do you think of that.
JH: Whoa. She did?
NSG: She said stay far away. Yeah. If they even suspect.
JH: Wow.
NSG: Would you agree with a statement like that, or... or would you qualify it, or what...
JH: No. I would not agree with a statement like that. And I'm hesitating, because... she is the sister of my best friend.
NSG: I like her, I like her a lot, I love her talks, but that just made me stop and say, wow... you know.
JH: There's too many of them we'd have to say away from!
NSG: I know. Yeah.
JH: I would qualify it by saying, the things that I've already said. If a man has, looked at pornography, there's a way back. You know, he is not flawed and defective. Now, is it my responsibility as a woman to pull him back? No! But if I'm with a man and I find out that he has a pornography problem, whether I am dating him, or engaged to him, or married with ten kids, I say immediately, I will not stay with you unless you're willing to do the things to get you well.
NSG: OK.
JH: And these are the things. And this is why I appreciate you coming in and interviewing me because I'd like to get this information out. People are not educated, they don't know what help looks like. We think help looks like, "Well, OK honey, I'll do whatever you need!" And then I have just become their enabler. So I hold a firm boundary and I say, "You go to your twelve steps. You get a sponsor and you get into therapy. You go into lifestar. You do these things, and I will watch you over a period of time, I'll give you six months.
NSG: Right.
JH: And if you really are serious about changing, you will do those things and you won't complain and you won't blame me and you'll show up like a man. Now if they don't, then I would say... run away. That's when I would say it.
NSG: And it's interesting. When I was talking with the Bishop last night, he was saying that, as he was counseling couples who were getting ready to get married, and they had a pornography issue in the relationship, he found that the ones that were able to make it work were the ones where the partner was willing to do the monitoring, who asked questions like, "how have you been doing, you know, have you looked at it..." Be frank and ask, rather than skirting it and say, "that's not my domain, I shouldn't be intruding." Because if they're in a relationship with a person who has pornography as an issue, it is their business.
JH: Yes it is. But let me say just one thing. The concept I believe is true, about monitoring. But I do not think it's the spouse's responsibility.
NSG: Not their responsibility, yeah.
JH: That's why we send them to the twelve step program together, because the twelve step program has sponsors. The wife needs to be the wife, and the mother, and the lover, and all of that. Not the babysitter. But they do need to be monitored. So, and it's not even about monitored, I don't like that word, it's about being accountable; they need to be accountable to somebody.
NSG: Right.
JH: So that's why the twelve step program works as well as it does, is that... you know, back in the thirties when Bill W. created AA, he knew that. He actually felt like he was divinely inspired to create that program. And he created sponsorship so that the alcoholic or the addict could go outside the relationship and be held accountable, and then be able to come back into the relationship and not make the woman the police.
NSG: Right. That... that makes a lot of sense. What about a woman who feels that she needs to know and needs to ask those questions... what advice would you give her?
JH: Mmm hmm. I'd say... that you're codependent. That's what codependency is.
NSG: Ah! OK.
JH: So when a woman is trying to control a spouse, or whatever the addict is, the spouse is trying to control being dependent on them. See? Codependency is about, I'm not OK unless you're OK. So, if you're not OK and you've acted out, then I'm not all right. I can't have peace. The truth is, in a healthy relationship, if you're going to act out, that's your deal. I'm not going to hang around, but I don't have to control you... women get into the cycle of, if I'm more beautiful, or if I was thinner, or if I were more supportive, or made more money or had the kids... you know, whatever... then he would love me. NO.
NSG: Or not have a problem.
JH: Or not have a problem, it has nothing... NOTHING, ZERO, to do with that. Nothing.
NSG: It's an inner struggle.
JH: That's right. It is their own shame. But because we... if you have a coin and it's called shame, you have addiction on one side of this coin, and codependency on the other. So the codependent has shame, just like the addict has shame. And you see it play out, when the spouse wants to be in control. Because if they're in control, it moderates the shame. It tells them, I'm OK. I'm OK. I'm OK. So, you've got to pull them apart from each other. In therapy, you would try to separate them emotionally and say, "you deal with your stuff. Leave him alone. Don't check his phone bills, don't go through his cell stuff, don't look at his bank statements."
NSG: Right. But what if a situation, for instance, if, instead of having a spouse come and confess to a pornography problem, the wife discovers it accidentally. I'm sure... there've got to be trust issues after that. How do you deal with that. Is that same as codependency, or is that a different situation?
JH: Um, no, it's a whole different issue. When there's addiction going on, there's always a lack of trust. Whether the woman or the man even knows, it a lack of trust going on. So, oftentimes when a spouse finds their husband or wife acting out, they feel betrayed, they are furious, and it doesn't matter what they say, I don't believe you because this has been going on for years, or months, and you didn't tell me about it. So that's healthy. But if then I find out-- I ran into it-- but from that point on, I think I can control it after that, that's the codependency.
NSG: Right. OK, so is it possible, to entirely regain trust? After it's been violated in that way?
JH: Absolutely. Absolutely. It's not a um, wake up one day and I've got trust. It's an ongoing process of consistent--and I really enforce that word, consistent--honesty on the addict's part. So if, every time they open their mouth it's honesty. Because if they give ten answers and they lie about something, then all the track record goes out the window.
NSG: Right, because you would never know what they might be lying about.
JH: Yeah. Right. I mean, you could tell a hundred honest statements and then lie to me again.
NSG: And you wouldn't know which one it was.
JH: Right.
NSG: Right. OK, well... this is kind of an obvious question, but I just kind of wanted to ask it for the record... have you seen marriages fail, because of pornography habits and addictions.
JH: Yes.
NSG: Would you say, a large percentage of marriages fail? You know, are you able to mitigate a lot of marriages and help.
JH: Well, you know, by the time they get to me....
NSG: It's already, downhill.
JH: Yeah. It's in the toilet. And so... but, they have suffered for years and years, most times, before they get to somebody for help. Because they're trying to do it on their own, but what they don't understand is that this is a cycle and it will never change. I don't say that to be, you know, be desperate, it's just the truth. It doesn't change. And so, when they get to me, one or the other has had it. And so, I'll say, "Can you stay with him?"--it's usually the man--"can you stay with him? Can you stay with them if they're in recovery?" And I'll explain what recovery looks like. And they, often times they say yes. Because they wouldn't come to me if they didn't have some hope. They're looking for hope. I hope, that I give them some of that. Because you very much can, recover from this. They won't be recovered, but you can be in recovery. Just last night, I had my lifestar group, and I have this couple that's 3 years post their addictive behaviors, it was the man, and he'd been disfellowshipped from the church twice and excommunicated once, and had 30 plus years of acting out, and his wife finally got to the point where she said, "I'm done," and that's what snapped it. And then she thinks, gosh... it took thirty years.
NSG: To say that.
JH: Yes. Why didn't I say that before we had any children, because she thought that she could... she was in that codependent cycle.
NSG: She thought she could help.
JH: And she finally realized, it's not about me. It's not about me helping. And they're very happily married and I use them to talk to my other couples and show them that they can change.
--This concludes the material I have gathered so far for this series. I plan on having Skywalker post his article about computer safety and internet filtering, sometime in the near future.
I have put a link to the lifestar program in the title of this post. It's a great program, from all I've heard.
Please let me know if there's any other question or topic in this arena you feel needs to be addressed... or a topic discussed. I will do my best to address any questions asked, too. But if you really need help, a therapist is the place to go, in conjunction with your ecclesiastical leaders, and of course... your Heavenly Father. You may think He doesn't want to hear about this, but He does. He wants you to knock. His Beloved Son has already bourn all your pain and suffering, and you can find peace in your situation. I want to emphasize that I know this from experience, I have a burning testimony of this: Heavenly Father, through his Son's atonement, can turn any challenge or experience you have, into good. Into growth, into strength, into better happiness. That is the majesty and beauty of the atonement.
*OK, off my soapbox*
JH: The question is, somebody comes to you--you find out, that your fiancee is... has just looked at pornography, what kind of advice would I give them. I would need to know a lot more information. I am not one to say, you know... leave'em. Because I believe in these people. Actually, really thing, that addicts are... can be, amazing people if they would just be able to start healing the shame that drives them. There's a couple things. I'd want to know: how often he's been looking. Is this the first time, how quickly he came to you and told you, and is he willing to go get help? because if you're looking at pornography, in my estimation, more than one time, you are developing the possibility of having an addiction. If you looked at it more than five times, you have a problem. It means you're going back to it for some reason. And if you can't stop... I mean, the histories I hear of people are, I started at 9, or I started at 11, or I started at 13, and I got over it for awhile, and I picked back up off my mission, and here they are forty sevens in my office and they've had these stints. It doesn't ever stop, they always go back to it. I mean, someone might keep it in check for a year or something, but they always go back to it. Which tells me that, this shame is constantly in their system. Who knows how else they're acting out? They might be acting out with... maybe they're masturbating or maybe they're addictively spending money, or maybe they're having a beer, or maybe they're using some other way to act out in an addictive cycle, you have to satisfy that shame because, Shame is: I want to get away from it. I want to feel different. When I go spend money, I shift my mood. And I can do it in an addictive pattern, I could go gamble that way. I could go run that way. I could go eat that way. So, when people keep going back to it, those are the little seeds of addictive behavior. and so somebody will say, I just masturbate! It's not that big of a deal! It's not what you're doing. You masturbating vs somebody going to go pick up a prostitute in my mind is exactly the same.
NSG: Depends why the behavior is there.
JH: To them though, Oh no! That's much worse!I'm not judging the behavior. I'm just saying what drives it.If you keep doing this, just like this other person keeps doing this, it's all driven by one thing, which is the shame. And that's what has to be healed. So I would tell them: How much have they been looking, how quickly did they tell you, what was their behavior when they told you, were they really remorseful? Did they keep going back to it? Are they willing to get help? Are they willing to humble themselves?
NSG: Right.
JH: If they're willing to do those things, I say, hang in there. I wouldn't say, go get married right now, I'd probably say, give it a year, really see if he's willing to do the things that are necessary. Um, but yeah! He can be healed.
NSG: What about someone who has never really gotten to the point where they've looked at it five times in a row, but they, they looked at it once when they were twelve, for instance? And, a couple years later they encountered it again, and instead of turning away they looked at a couple more, when they encountered it. And then, maybe several years later, it hits again, they do it another time. What would you tell somebody with something like that?
JH: It's still addictive behavior. Because you keep going back to it. I've got a client right now, he has an addiction, and he only acts out one time a year. And he does it and--I mean, he literally only acts out one time a year. And the rest of the time he is in what's called, the preoccupation stage. All during the year. SO he goes to Europe every year, he's been doing it for fifteen year, and when he goes there, he picks up a male prostitute, and he acts out with him. But the whole 364 days before that time, he is thinking about it, he is planning it, he is making phone calls, he's preoccupied. And he's in a ritualistic state, OK. So it doesn't matter how often you do it, it's that I keep going back to it. Keep going back to it.
NSG: And if--so then, I guess the other question would be, what about somebody who has just looked at it once? And then confesses that to their spouse, or their girlfriend, something-- one thing I have noticed is, I think a lot of women just feel a great deal of shock and outrage when a spouse or a boyfriend confesses to something like this. And I think, you know... they should, because the person needs to feel that but what about somebody who just messes up once. Does that still, something that...
JH: No, but in my head I'm kinda skeptical about that. If I heard that. You know looking at pornography to me is not a mess up, if it's one time, when they're not looking for it. If they come across it and go, "whoa!" And if they really are conscious, they will go and say, oh honey, you know, I just looked up, and I had no idea, that's--in my mind, he was assaulted. They are assaulted. But if, I go-- say it happens to me and i go and let somebody know, I don't confess it, I just tell somebody, whoa! I was on the Internet, and this--- I mean, it's happened to me. I was on the Internet, and I was just like, Whoa! I need to get out of this, I need to X this! But I start finding myself thinking about it, or fantasizing about it, how do I get back, where do I go to get this... and THEN I don't tell, that's when I'm creating this addictive behavior. Addiction isn't just about the acting out, it's about all the behavior that goes with it. It's about the lying and the deceit and the manipulation, the aggressive trying to keep people away from it... those are all addictive behaviors.
NSG: Well that makes sense. Um, Julie Beck just gave a talk in a recent CES fireside where she advised women to stay far away from men whom they even suspect might have a pornography habit, and what do you think of that.
JH: Whoa. She did?
NSG: She said stay far away. Yeah. If they even suspect.
JH: Wow.
NSG: Would you agree with a statement like that, or... or would you qualify it, or what...
JH: No. I would not agree with a statement like that. And I'm hesitating, because... she is the sister of my best friend.
NSG: I like her, I like her a lot, I love her talks, but that just made me stop and say, wow... you know.
JH: There's too many of them we'd have to say away from!
NSG: I know. Yeah.
JH: I would qualify it by saying, the things that I've already said. If a man has, looked at pornography, there's a way back. You know, he is not flawed and defective. Now, is it my responsibility as a woman to pull him back? No! But if I'm with a man and I find out that he has a pornography problem, whether I am dating him, or engaged to him, or married with ten kids, I say immediately, I will not stay with you unless you're willing to do the things to get you well.
NSG: OK.
JH: And these are the things. And this is why I appreciate you coming in and interviewing me because I'd like to get this information out. People are not educated, they don't know what help looks like. We think help looks like, "Well, OK honey, I'll do whatever you need!" And then I have just become their enabler. So I hold a firm boundary and I say, "You go to your twelve steps. You get a sponsor and you get into therapy. You go into lifestar. You do these things, and I will watch you over a period of time, I'll give you six months.
NSG: Right.
JH: And if you really are serious about changing, you will do those things and you won't complain and you won't blame me and you'll show up like a man. Now if they don't, then I would say... run away. That's when I would say it.
NSG: And it's interesting. When I was talking with the Bishop last night, he was saying that, as he was counseling couples who were getting ready to get married, and they had a pornography issue in the relationship, he found that the ones that were able to make it work were the ones where the partner was willing to do the monitoring, who asked questions like, "how have you been doing, you know, have you looked at it..." Be frank and ask, rather than skirting it and say, "that's not my domain, I shouldn't be intruding." Because if they're in a relationship with a person who has pornography as an issue, it is their business.
JH: Yes it is. But let me say just one thing. The concept I believe is true, about monitoring. But I do not think it's the spouse's responsibility.
NSG: Not their responsibility, yeah.
JH: That's why we send them to the twelve step program together, because the twelve step program has sponsors. The wife needs to be the wife, and the mother, and the lover, and all of that. Not the babysitter. But they do need to be monitored. So, and it's not even about monitored, I don't like that word, it's about being accountable; they need to be accountable to somebody.
NSG: Right.
JH: So that's why the twelve step program works as well as it does, is that... you know, back in the thirties when Bill W. created AA, he knew that. He actually felt like he was divinely inspired to create that program. And he created sponsorship so that the alcoholic or the addict could go outside the relationship and be held accountable, and then be able to come back into the relationship and not make the woman the police.
NSG: Right. That... that makes a lot of sense. What about a woman who feels that she needs to know and needs to ask those questions... what advice would you give her?
JH: Mmm hmm. I'd say... that you're codependent. That's what codependency is.
NSG: Ah! OK.
JH: So when a woman is trying to control a spouse, or whatever the addict is, the spouse is trying to control being dependent on them. See? Codependency is about, I'm not OK unless you're OK. So, if you're not OK and you've acted out, then I'm not all right. I can't have peace. The truth is, in a healthy relationship, if you're going to act out, that's your deal. I'm not going to hang around, but I don't have to control you... women get into the cycle of, if I'm more beautiful, or if I was thinner, or if I were more supportive, or made more money or had the kids... you know, whatever... then he would love me. NO.
NSG: Or not have a problem.
JH: Or not have a problem, it has nothing... NOTHING, ZERO, to do with that. Nothing.
NSG: It's an inner struggle.
JH: That's right. It is their own shame. But because we... if you have a coin and it's called shame, you have addiction on one side of this coin, and codependency on the other. So the codependent has shame, just like the addict has shame. And you see it play out, when the spouse wants to be in control. Because if they're in control, it moderates the shame. It tells them, I'm OK. I'm OK. I'm OK. So, you've got to pull them apart from each other. In therapy, you would try to separate them emotionally and say, "you deal with your stuff. Leave him alone. Don't check his phone bills, don't go through his cell stuff, don't look at his bank statements."
NSG: Right. But what if a situation, for instance, if, instead of having a spouse come and confess to a pornography problem, the wife discovers it accidentally. I'm sure... there've got to be trust issues after that. How do you deal with that. Is that same as codependency, or is that a different situation?
JH: Um, no, it's a whole different issue. When there's addiction going on, there's always a lack of trust. Whether the woman or the man even knows, it a lack of trust going on. So, oftentimes when a spouse finds their husband or wife acting out, they feel betrayed, they are furious, and it doesn't matter what they say, I don't believe you because this has been going on for years, or months, and you didn't tell me about it. So that's healthy. But if then I find out-- I ran into it-- but from that point on, I think I can control it after that, that's the codependency.
NSG: Right. OK, so is it possible, to entirely regain trust? After it's been violated in that way?
JH: Absolutely. Absolutely. It's not a um, wake up one day and I've got trust. It's an ongoing process of consistent--and I really enforce that word, consistent--honesty on the addict's part. So if, every time they open their mouth it's honesty. Because if they give ten answers and they lie about something, then all the track record goes out the window.
NSG: Right, because you would never know what they might be lying about.
JH: Yeah. Right. I mean, you could tell a hundred honest statements and then lie to me again.
NSG: And you wouldn't know which one it was.
JH: Right.
NSG: Right. OK, well... this is kind of an obvious question, but I just kind of wanted to ask it for the record... have you seen marriages fail, because of pornography habits and addictions.
JH: Yes.
NSG: Would you say, a large percentage of marriages fail? You know, are you able to mitigate a lot of marriages and help.
JH: Well, you know, by the time they get to me....
NSG: It's already, downhill.
JH: Yeah. It's in the toilet. And so... but, they have suffered for years and years, most times, before they get to somebody for help. Because they're trying to do it on their own, but what they don't understand is that this is a cycle and it will never change. I don't say that to be, you know, be desperate, it's just the truth. It doesn't change. And so, when they get to me, one or the other has had it. And so, I'll say, "Can you stay with him?"--it's usually the man--"can you stay with him? Can you stay with them if they're in recovery?" And I'll explain what recovery looks like. And they, often times they say yes. Because they wouldn't come to me if they didn't have some hope. They're looking for hope. I hope, that I give them some of that. Because you very much can, recover from this. They won't be recovered, but you can be in recovery. Just last night, I had my lifestar group, and I have this couple that's 3 years post their addictive behaviors, it was the man, and he'd been disfellowshipped from the church twice and excommunicated once, and had 30 plus years of acting out, and his wife finally got to the point where she said, "I'm done," and that's what snapped it. And then she thinks, gosh... it took thirty years.
NSG: To say that.
JH: Yes. Why didn't I say that before we had any children, because she thought that she could... she was in that codependent cycle.
NSG: She thought she could help.
JH: And she finally realized, it's not about me. It's not about me helping. And they're very happily married and I use them to talk to my other couples and show them that they can change.
--This concludes the material I have gathered so far for this series. I plan on having Skywalker post his article about computer safety and internet filtering, sometime in the near future.
I have put a link to the lifestar program in the title of this post. It's a great program, from all I've heard.
Please let me know if there's any other question or topic in this arena you feel needs to be addressed... or a topic discussed. I will do my best to address any questions asked, too. But if you really need help, a therapist is the place to go, in conjunction with your ecclesiastical leaders, and of course... your Heavenly Father. You may think He doesn't want to hear about this, but He does. He wants you to knock. His Beloved Son has already bourn all your pain and suffering, and you can find peace in your situation. I want to emphasize that I know this from experience, I have a burning testimony of this: Heavenly Father, through his Son's atonement, can turn any challenge or experience you have, into good. Into growth, into strength, into better happiness. That is the majesty and beauty of the atonement.
*OK, off my soapbox*
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