A discussion on what is appropriate in LDS sacrament meetings.
As you can probably imagine, I have some passionate views on this topic. I found this discussion to be very interesting... and I know a lot of you who read this are interested in this topic as well, so I thought I'd put this link out there.
Sep 27, 2009
Sep 24, 2009
Adoption Adjustment: the difference is, no differences
OK this is a post that has been wanting to get out for a while. I have to say that, as a white adoptive mother of black children, the overarching truth is that black children and white children are not much different. They have the same stages of growth and development, the same personality vulnerabilites and strengths. They cry for the same reasons as my white children. They are as easily upset and as easily consoled. They don't have any kind of "natural propensities" for any one thing... they don't jungle gym any harder, run any faster (my little loli is a blur when she wants to be), they don't learn any quicker or slower.
And you're all reading this and going "duh. Well of course not. Skin color is just that... skin deep."
Let me just say that I was unaware of the lingering prejudices/preconceptions I still had (deeply ingrained, not because of how I was raised necessarily, or where I was raised... I blame my psych classes and the media more than those influences.) until I started raising my two African daughters. And now everything's completely blown wide apart, and I suddenly see things I didn't see before too. Those natural assumptions, those little lingering ideas of "difference" between race... they now look to me like prejudice, even though coming from the other end I know how that is never what is meant.
I also realize that I have become a mean, defensive, she-bear of a mom when I feel that race might be rearing its ugly head in any interaction with my kids. I have to tone it down in myself, because I know it's probably not the case in most circumstances. But sometimes I do things that surprise me. Case in point: the other day we were in Sam's. I was lingering, looking for sales on the cereal aisle. Several feet away was one of those little sample tables. Loli asked for some; I told her to run ahead and ask and I'd be there in a second. Bella went with her.
She came back almost immediately, with Bella, and her eyes were tear-filled. I was startled, asked her what was wrong, and she told me that the lady had said she had to wait for her mom. It wasn't what was said, that was a perfectly reasonable response to two kids asking for samples without their mother. I was the WAY she said it... Loli repeated the words in a tone that was scolding, short, snappish... and as I rounded the corner I saw the lady's grim expression.
I was sooooo mad. I don't know that it was because Bella was with Loli that the lady responded the way she did... probably not. Probably she was having a bad day. Probably she was just a crochety old lady. But because of my defensive mean-red rage, instead of just smiling placidly at her and moving along, I kind of chewed her out. I told her that if she wanted to sell things to people she needed to be more polite, that I understood there were policies but she didn't need to snap at my kids. She sputtered. I didn't raise my voice, I just gave her one of those looks I do best and in a few short sentences told her what I thought. And then I walked away.
Yeah. I don't know that I did anyone any favors. I think I embarrassed Loli.
Anyway, I'm writing right now to say there ARE differences between my black and white children. What I have noticed, different, about my African children, the older one especially, is that they seem to be constantly active, a notch up in activity level from my other kids. But this isn't necessarily because their black, it is mostly likely because they haven't had a lot of movies or TV in the past due to their circumstances, and so aren't in the habit of zonking out in front of the screen.
I've noticed that their skin feels rich and soft, almost like velvet, while my bio kids seem to have smoother, thinner skin. This is not neccessarily because of their race, in fact it is most likely because I'm a lot more conscious of taking care of their skin, because when it's dry it shows.
I've noticed that both of my African kids' voices, especially the younger, are richer, a pitch lower, and seem to come from a deeper place. If I have my way I'll have a gospel singer in May. :) I don't know if this is because they are black necessarily, or because they just come from a family that has that tendency.
I've realized that the way I was prejudiced wasn't that I was seeing other races as inferior. It was more a readiness to judge differences, whether I perceived them positive or negative, as due to race. For instance, my "Ethiopian kids can run" from a previous post. Of course Ethiopian kids can run. So can American kids. Kids run. Kids run fast. All kids run fast... some faster than others, and skin color has much less to do with it than how they are raised, and what talents and abilities are encouraged by caregivers and those that they love and admire.
IN short, even after caring for my children for several weeks, I can't pinpoint any differences between black and white. And it seems to be less and less of a worry as they settle in and become a seamless part of our family, and become more and more "My Kids" period, and not my Adopted Ethiopian Kids.
And you're all reading this and going "duh. Well of course not. Skin color is just that... skin deep."
Let me just say that I was unaware of the lingering prejudices/preconceptions I still had (deeply ingrained, not because of how I was raised necessarily, or where I was raised... I blame my psych classes and the media more than those influences.) until I started raising my two African daughters. And now everything's completely blown wide apart, and I suddenly see things I didn't see before too. Those natural assumptions, those little lingering ideas of "difference" between race... they now look to me like prejudice, even though coming from the other end I know how that is never what is meant.
I also realize that I have become a mean, defensive, she-bear of a mom when I feel that race might be rearing its ugly head in any interaction with my kids. I have to tone it down in myself, because I know it's probably not the case in most circumstances. But sometimes I do things that surprise me. Case in point: the other day we were in Sam's. I was lingering, looking for sales on the cereal aisle. Several feet away was one of those little sample tables. Loli asked for some; I told her to run ahead and ask and I'd be there in a second. Bella went with her.
She came back almost immediately, with Bella, and her eyes were tear-filled. I was startled, asked her what was wrong, and she told me that the lady had said she had to wait for her mom. It wasn't what was said, that was a perfectly reasonable response to two kids asking for samples without their mother. I was the WAY she said it... Loli repeated the words in a tone that was scolding, short, snappish... and as I rounded the corner I saw the lady's grim expression.
I was sooooo mad. I don't know that it was because Bella was with Loli that the lady responded the way she did... probably not. Probably she was having a bad day. Probably she was just a crochety old lady. But because of my defensive mean-red rage, instead of just smiling placidly at her and moving along, I kind of chewed her out. I told her that if she wanted to sell things to people she needed to be more polite, that I understood there were policies but she didn't need to snap at my kids. She sputtered. I didn't raise my voice, I just gave her one of those looks I do best and in a few short sentences told her what I thought. And then I walked away.
Yeah. I don't know that I did anyone any favors. I think I embarrassed Loli.
Anyway, I'm writing right now to say there ARE differences between my black and white children. What I have noticed, different, about my African children, the older one especially, is that they seem to be constantly active, a notch up in activity level from my other kids. But this isn't necessarily because their black, it is mostly likely because they haven't had a lot of movies or TV in the past due to their circumstances, and so aren't in the habit of zonking out in front of the screen.
I've noticed that their skin feels rich and soft, almost like velvet, while my bio kids seem to have smoother, thinner skin. This is not neccessarily because of their race, in fact it is most likely because I'm a lot more conscious of taking care of their skin, because when it's dry it shows.
I've noticed that both of my African kids' voices, especially the younger, are richer, a pitch lower, and seem to come from a deeper place. If I have my way I'll have a gospel singer in May. :) I don't know if this is because they are black necessarily, or because they just come from a family that has that tendency.
I've realized that the way I was prejudiced wasn't that I was seeing other races as inferior. It was more a readiness to judge differences, whether I perceived them positive or negative, as due to race. For instance, my "Ethiopian kids can run" from a previous post. Of course Ethiopian kids can run. So can American kids. Kids run. Kids run fast. All kids run fast... some faster than others, and skin color has much less to do with it than how they are raised, and what talents and abilities are encouraged by caregivers and those that they love and admire.
IN short, even after caring for my children for several weeks, I can't pinpoint any differences between black and white. And it seems to be less and less of a worry as they settle in and become a seamless part of our family, and become more and more "My Kids" period, and not my Adopted Ethiopian Kids.
Sep 22, 2009
My Favorite Power Struggles
are the ones I let them resolve on their own. For instance, I had a kid this morning who didn't want to finish her letters. So she didn't have to... but it was enough mental torture for her, knowing that she hadn't finished and it STILL went in the file folder with all the other, finished ones...
Honestly, there's no need for punishments, I don't think, unless someone hurts someone or destroys something or takes something from someone else without giving it back and apologizing. Everything else has a natural consequence that actually requires very little intervention on my part, I've noticed. I've felt a lot better during and after the times I've allowed natural consequences occur, as opposed to allowing my own anger or annoyance make a situation completely artificial. It is tempting, for instance, when it's the fifth time you've had to carefully employ natural consequences to a particular child in a single morning, to do something you know will really "make them see reason."
ONe thing I have learned, especially working with kids who don't speak my language, is if you do let your temper get the better of you, that is what they focus on. The lesson they learn is, "mom was mad, so she put me in my room," and not, "I got put in my room because I colored on the table with crayons." I mean, really, who can blame them. It WAS because Mom was mad that they got put in their room, otherwise Mom would have been calm enough to remember that a very nice natural consequence (and also a removal of the source of annoyance to Mom) would be to make the kid clean the crayon off the table.
I am about 50 50 right now, and working on it. It depends on the day, honestly. There are days when I lose it and days when I somehow keep things going well until Dad comes home. But I'm getting better!!! Nothing like 5 kids under the age of 7 to give me loooots of pratice, haha. :)
Honestly, there's no need for punishments, I don't think, unless someone hurts someone or destroys something or takes something from someone else without giving it back and apologizing. Everything else has a natural consequence that actually requires very little intervention on my part, I've noticed. I've felt a lot better during and after the times I've allowed natural consequences occur, as opposed to allowing my own anger or annoyance make a situation completely artificial. It is tempting, for instance, when it's the fifth time you've had to carefully employ natural consequences to a particular child in a single morning, to do something you know will really "make them see reason."
ONe thing I have learned, especially working with kids who don't speak my language, is if you do let your temper get the better of you, that is what they focus on. The lesson they learn is, "mom was mad, so she put me in my room," and not, "I got put in my room because I colored on the table with crayons." I mean, really, who can blame them. It WAS because Mom was mad that they got put in their room, otherwise Mom would have been calm enough to remember that a very nice natural consequence (and also a removal of the source of annoyance to Mom) would be to make the kid clean the crayon off the table.
I am about 50 50 right now, and working on it. It depends on the day, honestly. There are days when I lose it and days when I somehow keep things going well until Dad comes home. But I'm getting better!!! Nothing like 5 kids under the age of 7 to give me loooots of pratice, haha. :)
Sep 20, 2009
Black and White
A quote from something I recently read online:
"Government intervention in the free market is called socialism. "
I actually snorted (in laughter). I mean, seriously? Is that what we've come to? Is our propaganda so bipartisan, so black-and-white now that either you're for an entirely free, laissez-faire economy or you're a socialist?
I have news for you, taagsmasher (old buddy, old pal). The founding fathers were socialists, then. Because any tariffs, taxes, any prohibitions on selling a substance or good, ANY taxes on businesses of any kind... all of these things are government intervention. We've had it from day one. It was our big grievance with England: no taxation without representation. But when we wrote the constitution, we did not get rid of taxation, we worked hard on fair representation. Taxation was always a given. And remember the added liquor tax that caused such a ruckus back in the 1700's... and remember the application of tariffs onto goods shipped from England... there are a hundred and one examples if you actually read your history books.
Sorry guys. I just had to rant a little. You see, the more I listen to people talk about politics (or religion, that other impolitic subject) the more I begin to think that sweeping generalizations are for those who want to see the world in black and white, who want to see politics as "good versus evil" or "smart versus stupid" or "kind versus greedy." But politics don't work that way. I will put out there this thing that I hold to be one of my own personal truths: there are no perfect political doctrines or systems, or even documents--no, not even the beloved constitution. Which to me, is beloved; it's a very brave, very idealistic document, and it's kept our country in fairly good shape. But it ain't perfect folks. Wanna know why? It was written by men. It's the philosophies of men. You can't trust in the arm of the flesh, or the philosophies of men, or the doctrines or laws or political or social theories of men to have any kind of absolute truth.
I will say that the only thing that can make me really annoyed, when discussing politics with someone, is the feeling that they feel they are righteous or even "right" because of their political beliefs.
There is a right and a wrong in the universe. There is truth. But it doesn't come from Man, it comes from God. And the only documents I'd categorize as absolute truth are the ones I carry around in my little leather case to Sunday School.
It bothers me when people characterize any politician as "evil" or "going to destroy America" or "Puppets of a Secret Combination" or "The One Who'll Keep the Constitution From Falling Off It's Last Thread." They're men. Just men. Doing a job. I don't think that Either George H. W. Bush or Barack H. Obama have horns hidden under their hair, or halos either.
Anyway. I had a good laugh today. Thanks, taagsmasher, whomever you are. I needed that.
"Government intervention in the free market is called socialism. "
I actually snorted (in laughter). I mean, seriously? Is that what we've come to? Is our propaganda so bipartisan, so black-and-white now that either you're for an entirely free, laissez-faire economy or you're a socialist?
I have news for you, taagsmasher (old buddy, old pal). The founding fathers were socialists, then. Because any tariffs, taxes, any prohibitions on selling a substance or good, ANY taxes on businesses of any kind... all of these things are government intervention. We've had it from day one. It was our big grievance with England: no taxation without representation. But when we wrote the constitution, we did not get rid of taxation, we worked hard on fair representation. Taxation was always a given. And remember the added liquor tax that caused such a ruckus back in the 1700's... and remember the application of tariffs onto goods shipped from England... there are a hundred and one examples if you actually read your history books.
Sorry guys. I just had to rant a little. You see, the more I listen to people talk about politics (or religion, that other impolitic subject) the more I begin to think that sweeping generalizations are for those who want to see the world in black and white, who want to see politics as "good versus evil" or "smart versus stupid" or "kind versus greedy." But politics don't work that way. I will put out there this thing that I hold to be one of my own personal truths: there are no perfect political doctrines or systems, or even documents--no, not even the beloved constitution. Which to me, is beloved; it's a very brave, very idealistic document, and it's kept our country in fairly good shape. But it ain't perfect folks. Wanna know why? It was written by men. It's the philosophies of men. You can't trust in the arm of the flesh, or the philosophies of men, or the doctrines or laws or political or social theories of men to have any kind of absolute truth.
I will say that the only thing that can make me really annoyed, when discussing politics with someone, is the feeling that they feel they are righteous or even "right" because of their political beliefs.
There is a right and a wrong in the universe. There is truth. But it doesn't come from Man, it comes from God. And the only documents I'd categorize as absolute truth are the ones I carry around in my little leather case to Sunday School.
It bothers me when people characterize any politician as "evil" or "going to destroy America" or "Puppets of a Secret Combination" or "The One Who'll Keep the Constitution From Falling Off It's Last Thread." They're men. Just men. Doing a job. I don't think that Either George H. W. Bush or Barack H. Obama have horns hidden under their hair, or halos either.
Anyway. I had a good laugh today. Thanks, taagsmasher, whomever you are. I needed that.
Sep 18, 2009
feelin' (better)
I feel better today. Thanks for the sympathy, folks. I think it was good to have written that yesterday, it really let off a lot of steam to aknowledge the difficulties that contribute to my family's overall stress levels lately.
I was able to mop my kitchen floor and clean my toilet today, and Skywalker fixed the problem that was causing the tank to overflow.
I decided to forego homeschooling park day this morning and I'm soooo glad I did. I think having activities scattered throughout the week, having to load all the kids up in the car and go places almost every day, really adds to the stress. Anyway, feeling better, and thanks for all the thoughts of chocolate. And now, without further ado:
I was able to mop my kitchen floor and clean my toilet today, and Skywalker fixed the problem that was causing the tank to overflow.
I decided to forego homeschooling park day this morning and I'm soooo glad I did. I think having activities scattered throughout the week, having to load all the kids up in the car and go places almost every day, really adds to the stress. Anyway, feeling better, and thanks for all the thoughts of chocolate. And now, without further ado:
Sep 17, 2009
Bleah... (vent post)
I've had morningsickness for about (let's see... when was the day we left for Ethiopia?) I guess that would be 8 weeks now. I'm at week 14... it should be over, shouldn't it?
I think I got the swine flu. I've been attacking it with all kinds of poisonous herbs and so I was only bedridden for about three days but it's lINGERING... like, I'm just well enough that I have to do everything in the house but just sick enough that when I'm done I sit on the couch and GROAN.
My hips are hurting much sooner on this time... the first pregnancy it hit me at about 7 months. WIth the second, I started hobbling at around month 5.5. With Squirt I hurt at 4.5 months and literally COULD NOT WALK without shoving some major bone structures back in place by month 6. So I've been wearing a brace around my hips and it seems to be working but it is also DANG HOT in this weather and makes my butt look really, really big in my jeans.
I'm trying to sing classically now, and one thing I've realized is, you can belt when you're sick, you just have to be careful and you're not as flexible as usual. You can NOT sing opera when you're sick. It just doesn't work. IT sounds terrible... or perhaps those are my own insecurities coming out.
No foods sound OK to eat right now, but I'm HUNGRY ALL THE TIME. So I end up eating wierdness. For the last month or so I've eaten somethign greasy and protieny for breakfast, like a bratwurst. And along with it, I've had a healthy delicious pineapple kale green drink (which are soooo good. I don't THINK it's a wierd craving). Then I skip several hours because I don't feel hungry, I feel a little nauseated instead when I get that edge of hunger, and have to FORCE myself to eat something for dinner. It's a real pain. I feel like an ED patient, and my ED tech inner voice chides me often.
My bathroom is sooooo filthy. Honestly. It looks OK at first glance but it SMELLS YUCKY and the tub hasn't been cleaned in THREE WEEKS and the trash isn't emptied regularly and the toilet tank overflows every three flushes (Skywalker is working on it). All I've had time for lately, cleaning wise, are the traffic areas: living room, kitchen, and getting on my kids to clean their bedrooms. siiiiigh.
Bella is really testing me. Honeymoon is OVER (good) but it's constant. She really has a hard time when I say "no" to something. And she has a hard time sharing nicely with her sisters. Yesterday she purposefully hurt someone 3 times, and I had to put her in time out... that's right... 3 times. She's a stubborn girl, and it takes her a while to decide she's ready to come down and apologize. The guilt for me is really overwhelming... poor girl upstairs in the room almost HALF THE DAY. I do it "Love and Logic style", (sympathetic face: I'm so sorry you just hit your sister. Yes, it means you have to be up here for a few minutes. No you cannot bring your baby or barbie. It makes me so sad when this happens. Loving pat, kiss, shut the door.) Good practice, but man, my nerves are frayed.
May is really possesive and jealous of my time and affections. She will drape herself all over my lap so that nobody else can sit there, and place her baby there as a "placeholder" (chuckle) when she's gone. I've done my best not to get annoyed, to take it as part of the whole shebang and just be the good mom I am and give my kids the attention they need when they need it. Most of my kids are fairly indpenedent/don't need a WHOLE lot of lap and snuggle time, just every now and then, and so May does get a lot of time. But I feel like I'm shooing her away a lot of the time, too, when I have to do dishes or fold laundry or cook food. Guilt factor=high.
We're doing great. Homeschooling is going great, life is going great... I just needed to vent all of these frustrations out into the empty space of the universe or something like that, so thanks for listening.
I think I got the swine flu. I've been attacking it with all kinds of poisonous herbs and so I was only bedridden for about three days but it's lINGERING... like, I'm just well enough that I have to do everything in the house but just sick enough that when I'm done I sit on the couch and GROAN.
My hips are hurting much sooner on this time... the first pregnancy it hit me at about 7 months. WIth the second, I started hobbling at around month 5.5. With Squirt I hurt at 4.5 months and literally COULD NOT WALK without shoving some major bone structures back in place by month 6. So I've been wearing a brace around my hips and it seems to be working but it is also DANG HOT in this weather and makes my butt look really, really big in my jeans.
I'm trying to sing classically now, and one thing I've realized is, you can belt when you're sick, you just have to be careful and you're not as flexible as usual. You can NOT sing opera when you're sick. It just doesn't work. IT sounds terrible... or perhaps those are my own insecurities coming out.
No foods sound OK to eat right now, but I'm HUNGRY ALL THE TIME. So I end up eating wierdness. For the last month or so I've eaten somethign greasy and protieny for breakfast, like a bratwurst. And along with it, I've had a healthy delicious pineapple kale green drink (which are soooo good. I don't THINK it's a wierd craving). Then I skip several hours because I don't feel hungry, I feel a little nauseated instead when I get that edge of hunger, and have to FORCE myself to eat something for dinner. It's a real pain. I feel like an ED patient, and my ED tech inner voice chides me often.
My bathroom is sooooo filthy. Honestly. It looks OK at first glance but it SMELLS YUCKY and the tub hasn't been cleaned in THREE WEEKS and the trash isn't emptied regularly and the toilet tank overflows every three flushes (Skywalker is working on it). All I've had time for lately, cleaning wise, are the traffic areas: living room, kitchen, and getting on my kids to clean their bedrooms. siiiiigh.
Bella is really testing me. Honeymoon is OVER (good) but it's constant. She really has a hard time when I say "no" to something. And she has a hard time sharing nicely with her sisters. Yesterday she purposefully hurt someone 3 times, and I had to put her in time out... that's right... 3 times. She's a stubborn girl, and it takes her a while to decide she's ready to come down and apologize. The guilt for me is really overwhelming... poor girl upstairs in the room almost HALF THE DAY. I do it "Love and Logic style", (sympathetic face: I'm so sorry you just hit your sister. Yes, it means you have to be up here for a few minutes. No you cannot bring your baby or barbie. It makes me so sad when this happens. Loving pat, kiss, shut the door.) Good practice, but man, my nerves are frayed.
May is really possesive and jealous of my time and affections. She will drape herself all over my lap so that nobody else can sit there, and place her baby there as a "placeholder" (chuckle) when she's gone. I've done my best not to get annoyed, to take it as part of the whole shebang and just be the good mom I am and give my kids the attention they need when they need it. Most of my kids are fairly indpenedent/don't need a WHOLE lot of lap and snuggle time, just every now and then, and so May does get a lot of time. But I feel like I'm shooing her away a lot of the time, too, when I have to do dishes or fold laundry or cook food. Guilt factor=high.
We're doing great. Homeschooling is going great, life is going great... I just needed to vent all of these frustrations out into the empty space of the universe or something like that, so thanks for listening.
Sep 14, 2009
A Favorite mOvie scene
I love this scene from my favorite movie. In real life it's R. I didn't know that when I first saw the edited version. I used to be against edited R movies, but then I couldn't help falling in love with this one, so we own it.
Sorry that you have to follow a link... embedding was disabled on this one.
This scene actually brings tears to my eyes because it's soooooo true. All you need is love.
Sorry that you have to follow a link... embedding was disabled on this one.
This scene actually brings tears to my eyes because it's soooooo true. All you need is love.
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