Sep 21, 2011

Things We Say: Castrating Goats

(setting: NSG, Skywalker, and kids are sitting at the table eating dinner)

NSG: (thoughtful) You know, we always talk about how much we want to raise animals. But Skywalker, have you thought about the fact that this means killing animals? Like, we can't keep boy goats. Maybe one, or even two, but... half the babies that are born every year will have to be sold for meat.

Skywalker: I have thought of that. It's troubling.

NSG: Of course, if we lived in a place that had grazing year round, I guess we could castrate some of them and make them into grazing animals.

Loli: What does castrate mean?

(NSG and Skywalker eye each other, trying to decide who gets this little gem of an explanation)

NSG: (sighing internally) It's where an animal, like a goat, has their boy parts cut off--

Skywalker: (shoulders shaking as he laughs silently at me) not ALL the boy parts. They don't cut off the whole thing!

NSG: (giving Skywalker the evil eye) OK, not ALL the boy parts. Just some of them.

Bella: Which boy parts?

NSG: (ignoring Skywalker's grin of enjoyment and trying to form her lips around what is perhaps the most disgusting couple of words in the English language) they cut off the testicles and scrotum.

Loli: What are testicles?

NSG: They're the part of a boy's private parts that kind of comes down in back. Like, you know, when you see Sammy running around the house naked, how he's got that little bag sort of thing? That's the scrotum. It has these things in it called testicles.

Bella: (completely unperturbed, nodding)

Squirt: (Bright eyed, as Mom describes in great detail his special boy parts) Yeah! That's what I have!

NSG: (abruptly) well that's the part they cut off.

MayMay: Why?

NSG: Well, it means the boy goat can't make babies. And isn't as mean.

Skywalker: and isn't as stinky.

Squirt: (gets up on his chair, thrusts his fingers in the direction of his chest, shrieks) Mom! I have nipples! I have nipples!

NSG: (Buries face in hands.) Yes, Squirt, you do. Good job.

(setting: squirt has just been denied a treat because he wet the bed)

Squirt: Mom, I don't like you!

NSG: I'm sorry you feel that way, Squirt.

Squirt: Mom, you're... (peering at me cautiously, then mumbles) momyou'renotmymom.

NSG: (turns, raises an eyebrow) What did you say? (sidenote: "you're not my mom" is not a phrase kids are allowed to use in the Nosurf home when they're mad... has to do with the whole adoption issue)

Squirt: I... I... (shifting weight from foot to foot) I... you ARE my mom.

NSG: (smiles) yes, I am.

Squirt: I.... if I don't shake my head, you are my mom. If I shake my head, it means you're not my mom. (violently shakes head.)

NSG: (sighs) squirt, go to your room.

Squirt: (Shrieks) No! No! You ARE my mom!!

NSG: For a few minutes squirt. You know we don't use those words to hurt each other in this family.

Squirt: (heading up the stairs to his room!) Mom, I don't like you! Mom, I love you! Mom... I'm going to SLAM THE DOOR!

NSG: OK, squirt. (above, the distant sound of door slamming violently)

Squirt: (ten minutes later, after being let out of his room, suggles up to NSG on the couch) Mom, I'm sowwy I said you're not my mom.


Squirt: Mom, I really just like you.

NSG: (squeezing Squirt) I like you too, Squirt.

Squirt: (Springs up, bright eyed) Mom, can I have a treat?


Fern said...

Kids make life so interesting! Sounds like a normal family, and all the unexpected things that can happen! Too fun!

David L said...

Oh the teasings that are coming on our next visit....

Why am I never around for these conversations? Skywalker and I would have laughed forever!

Skywalker said...

What she left out was the continued adult conversation (at the table) about the variations of eunuch, castration techniques, castrati tenors, and more.

Educational discussions travel far and wide in our household!

merrilykaroly said...

Hahahahahaha! This post might be the most hilarious one you've ever done.