On Creativity and Screwyness

I've been thinking lately about the phenomenon of creativity. If you are a creative person, you tend to live in the world of possibility. If you're like me, you think of scenarios all the time, involving imaginary or real people in your life. You also tend to ruminate; to go back and re-process things that have happened, trying to interpret or pull further implications from it and speculate on various symbolisms and possibilities and "what ifs."

Creativity has traditionally been linked to... let's face it. A lack of sanity.
I've worried about this myself. I've had a lot of people in my life--beloved figures of example--who were brilliant, and really struggling. One example that immediately comes to mind is a man who was great friends with our family. He sang with my dad often. Had a beautiful, fervent, inspiring voice... he sang, you listened. He could have made a big audience for himself with his voice, but never could quite get it together emotionally. He really struggled, and ended up taking his own life just a few years ago.

Maybe that's why so few people make it big artistically. You've got to have the combination--the brilliance AND the executive functioning.

It makes me wonder how many truly brilliant, inspiring people have been unable to reach the wide audience their skills deserved. I mean, this guy I"m talking about... the world would only have been better if more people could have been inspired by him. He certainly changed my life, and the lives of all he touched. I wish, I wish, more people could have been changed by him.

I think of people like Vincent Van Gogh, who was famously unstable, but so talented he broke through anyway. And we all benefit from his inspiration today. I think of Sylvia Plath, who wrote such catchy, beautiful, arresting words, and ended up a victim of her own brilliant mind.

I'm not anywhere close to as talented as these people I mention. And the mental burden I carry is also quite a bit lighter. But, let's face it... I'm still screwy.

Living in the not-real-world most of the time has consequences. You forget things you should remember. All the time. I have such a poor memory of my childhood, of events that occurred even three years ago. Often the best way for me to remember things is through writing about them--my creative talent--but when I'm not writing about them they are fuzzy, hazy, hard-to-grasp images, my memories.

IN real time, I live in a pretty fuzzy world, too. I'm made aware of this often... I drive very very cautiously because often if I don't, I get in trouble. Over-cautiousness is my defense against my own lack of connection to my surroundings. And still I fail occasionally.

Buildings that have stood on my daily routes suddenly bloom up into being on occasion... I realize, suddenly, that they're there. I didn't notice them before that. Conversations I have with people suddenly click with me days later... I realize what someone meant when they said such-and-such, and what they wanted from me. This can lead to interpersonal difficulties.

For crying out loud, I am, in fact, a bit screwy.

I struggled a lot as a teenager because lack of connection to surroundings, in real time, can lead to social problems. I had a few, forgiving, close friends, but mostly I was frightened of social interaction because I was constantly afraid I would offend people accidentally by responding in a way that didn't make sense to them, because i'd gotten the conversation wrong, or mistook a meaning. The other day in Relief Society, I misunderstood completely the instructor's question and puzzled her; when I responded that I'd mistaken her question, she took it for correction. Oh, this is my life.

I think this is why I make friends slowly. They have to put up with non-sequiturs, fuzzy logic, misunderstanding and eventually learn that I do have good intentions. I really treasure those relationships where this has come to pass.

I often feel that I"m navigating a river full of rapids, with everything around me slightly dimmed--noise, sense of touch, sight... I see through a bit of a dark glass. I'm very, very grateful for those who are willing to look past that and love me for who I mean to be.

Anyway. Creativity and screwyness. It's a thing. I would never give up my heart--writing, stories, memories, thoughts that branch out in crazy directions and connections that make me happy. But it does make life dangerous at times.

Anyway. This is a shout out to those of you who don't fully live in real-time, in the real-world--I feel you, my screwy brothas and sistas.

Moments

This weekend, my last baby was blessed, and my first son was baptized.

We were given a paper to write on, to put in books for baptism memories.

All I felt today, seeing my wonderful eight year old son who still impulsively gives me kisses on the cheek, who can't stop talking about MineCraft and electronics kits, who can't keep his hands off his baby sister because he loves her so much, who has theories about the way the world and all its parts work, who says the most hilarious things in all seriousness so I have to stifle chuckles, but who still smiles at me when I accidentally let one go... seeing my son be baptized...

I felt that feeling you get when you know you're experiencing that perfect moment and you wish there was a way to capture it--more than a picture or a movie, but a moment you can immerse yourself in and come back to any time you want.

Moments.

Today little Fern was blessed. The men who blessed her were all people who loved her, who loved the priesthood.

I love the priesthood.

That's what I felt today, seeing my son get baptized and my daughter get blessed.

My Harry Potter Meyers-Briggs Type Inventory rundown--by category, and including friends and family

I have been wanting to do this for a long time. Because this:

Is so wrong.

It's just so, so wrong. And it's been bugging me for a while. (Ok. You can disagree with me. And btw, I might be wrong too, and I'm OK with that... consider this an alternative set of possibilities to mull over.)

This is also going to be a post about family, friends, personalities, and how people work together, because all that stuff is stuff that I've discussed with many family members and close friends, but have not blogged about it yet and discussed it with the wider world of e-friends and far away friends.

OK, so, to know what I'm talking about. The Meyers' Briggs Type Inventory is based on Carl Jung's prototypes, and was developed into a test that would categorize personality types into combinations of four traits. THey are: Extrovert vs Introvert, Sensing vs Intuiting, Thinking Vs Feeling and Judging Vs Perceiving. And it's better to visualize each of these not as either/or but as a contiuum, where you can go from the extreme on one end, to balancing between the two, to the extreme on the other end. SOmeone, for instance, who just barely falls on the side of thinking vs feeling, will have a great capacity to those sorts of traits that your typical feeler will have, as well as utilizing well the traits a thinker has.

OK. Techincalities aside. Harry Potter and the Meyers-Briggs.

I love harry potter. I crave it during pregnancy, particularly, the way other women crave ice cream or pickles or hamburgers or unagi rolls (am I the only one?) I have read the Harry Potter series during each of my pregnancies and I was reading book four, The Goblet of Fire, when I was in labor with my first, Emma. THat world is indisputably my favorite magical world, and these characters are definitely my favorite characters of any fantasy series. So of course it's fun to compare personalities, and to see where I (and all my friends and family) would fit into that world, and who we'd all be like.

In thinking through Harry Potter and all the many personalities, I first have to come up with a list of important characters. Here's my list:

Harry
Ron
Hermione
Neville
Fred
George
Ginny
Luna
Percy
Hagrid
Dumbledore
Sirius
Lupin
Draco
Voldemort
Snape
Prof. McGonagal
Mrs. Weasley
Mr. Weasley
Bellatrix Lestrange
The Dursleys
Tonks
Mad-Eye Moody
James Potter
Lily Potter
Lucius Malfoy
Dolores Umbridge
Gilderoy Lockhart
Wormtail/Peter Pettigrew
Fleur Delacour
Victor Krum
Cedric Diggory
Bill Weasley
Charlie Weasley
Cho Chang
Seamus Finnigan
Dean Thomas
Lavendar Brown
Parvati Patil
Pansy Parkinson
Professor Flitwick
Professor Trelawney
Professor Sprout
Madam Pomfrey

I believe these are all the characters we know enough about to even scrape by a guess as to type. I've listed them in kind of descending order of knowledge, so the ones at the top of the list, I'll be more firm about, the ones near the bottom, I'm not as sure.

The first thing to realize, in categorizing these characters, is that a personality does not make you a good or a bad person. It's your choices that do that (acc to Dumbledore himself). So if I've categorized Lord Voldemort into your personality,do not be offended. As an INFJ, I've got Hitler. So. There ya go.

I have the hardest time distinguishing between Introverts and Extroverts. I don't know why. The other scales are much easier for me to sort of sort through. I think this is because, maybe I really am an ambivert. Close in the middle there. And haven't fully grown into the more extroverted side of me, yet. But anyway, for that reason, I decided to separate these characters first into categories of introvert/extrovert, and there are a handful that are ambiverts as well, where they seem to be so close to the center that I couldn't really determine what they are unless I met them in person and observed them for a long time or they took the test themselves (which isn't possible because they are imaginary.)

To refresh the memory, an introvert is a person who finds solace and recharge in being on their own. They tend to like doing projects on their own as well, and don't enjoy large crowds of people, attention, or (in most cases) being in charge of big groups of people. THey tend to make a small number of close friends, and while they may have a lot of friends, 90% of their friends are not confidants, and an even smaller number get to hear about their struggles. Vulnerability is with people, if you are an introvert.

An extrovert is a person who finds solace and recharge with people. They tend to enjoy/feel relief in getting projects done in a group of others, they love being in a room full of people and noise and interaction, they feel most like themselves when they have the attention of others. They tend to make friends and confidences easily, and though they still might keep the most vulnerable stuff for a select few, they tend to be quite open about what they are going through/thinking about, and, in a lot of cases, they don't mind stepping up and organizing and being in charge, and some relish it. Extroverts do need time on their own on occasion to think and recharge, but not much time before they start needing people again. Vulnerability is in alone-ness, if you are an extrovert.

SO. Applying this to Harry Potter:

Introverts: Harry, Hermione, Neville, Luna, Percy Weasley, Remus Lupin, Voldemort, Severus Snape, Prof. McGonnagall, Victor Krum, Charlie Weasley, Professor Trelawney, Professor Sprout

Extroverts: Ron, Fred, George, Ginny, Sirius Black, Draco Malfoy, Mrs. Weasley, Mr. Dursley, Mrs. Dursley, Tonks, James Potter, Mad-Eye-Moody, Lucius Malfoy, Dolores Umbridge, Gilderoy Lockhart, Fleur Delacour, Cedric Diggory, Bill weasley, Seamus Finnigan, Lavendar Brown, Parvati Patil, Pansy Parkinson

Ambiverts (or those it's too hard to tell because of less info): Hagrid, Dumbledore, Mr. Weasley, Bellatrix Lestrange, Lily Potter, Wormtail/Pettigrew, Cho Chang, Dean Thomas, Professor Flitwick, Madam Pomfrey


Ok. SO once separated into those categories, I find it much easier to do the division into the 16 different personality types. I'm going to do the harry potter characters, then add freinds/family & people who I know who have somehow touched my life. Again, remember many of these are guesses... (but I think they're good guesses).
ISTP:

Keywords/phrases for ISTP: Artisan, very quickly a virtuoso with tools, instruments and/or sports, rulebreaker,authority questioner, strong-but-silent type, independent, individualist, lone-wolf, stands back and lets others go on with things but takes pride in stepping in and fixing others' problems, fixing others' cars, winning a game for a team, takes pride in competence.

Harry Potter Characters:

Harry Potter (is borderline T/F, but still a T)
Victor Krum
Voldemort
Dean Thomas (ambivert)
Professor Flitwick (I think)

People I know (will only use names when I know people would be OK with it):

An awesome guy in my ward Jeff used to ride to work with
One of my first counselors I worked with, awesome at cupcakes
Jeremy, a beloved friend from back home

ISFP


Keywords/phrases for ISFP: Often unaware about conventions or the opinions of others, loves animals/agriculture, visual artists, seeks physical comfort, in need of champions/nurturing, can be sensitive to criticism especially from loved ones, can't handle public ridicule well, avoids attention but still relaxed and open, very easygoing but can be fierce when a line is crossed, very, very loyal to family, friends, & pets (who are family, of course).

Harry Potter Characters:

Hagrid (XSFP--Ambivert)
Neville Longbottom
Professor Sprout

People I Know:
My friend/almost sister Rebecca
My old friend Sarah C. who had a pig farm at the end of our road


ESTP

Keywords/Phrases for ESTP: Charmer, diplomat, collects people, strategic, makes own rules, competent when they want to be, sometimes unconventional but cares about status, life of the party, unworried about others' opinions, confident of interpersonal abilities, great hosts

Harry Potter Characters:

Fred & George Weasley
James Potter
Peter Pettigrew/Wormtail (a very insecure version of this type...might be I rather than E, it's borderline)
Bill Weasley (I think)

People in my life:

Brother in Law from my first marriage

ESFP

Keywords/phrases: Entertainer, bright and sunny, yellow personality, lives in the now, cares about others but doesn't like to get caught up in drama, cares about fun, flighty, adorable, charming, happy, despises being bossed, despises routine, seeks physical comfort & sensation, gets over disappointments/hurts quickly, forgives and forgets, can be manipulative, amoeba-like: easily absorbs the habits/feelings/values of those around them

Harry Potter Characters:

Sirius Black
Tonks
Dudley Dursley (I know, but that's because he was horribly spoiled).
Seamus Finnigan (I think)

People in my life:
My sweet daughter Meaza
Possibly my sweet sister-in-law Emily, but she's probably an ambivert


So that's all the artisans. That group of four makes up a group termed "artisans," in meyers-briggs theory.

ISFJ

Keywords/Phrases: quiet, unassuming, works hard in the background, very others-focused, can be self-demeaning or dismissive of own needs, seeks recognition but in quiet ways, does not like attention at all, will do anything to care for loved ones, cares a great deal about right/wrong/morality & has a firm view of these things, does not like to boss, will retire in the face of stronger/more flamboyant personalities, easily overwhelmed by others' needs, family is everything, tends to idealize loved ones, fierce and loyal friends, the first one there to comfort.

Harry Potter Characters

Remus Lupin
Madam Pomfrey (I think, but she's pretty bossy so she might be an extravert) (haha, sorry extraverts, not all of you are bossy, it's just that, from what I've observed introverts don't usually have that characteristic)

People from my life:

My Ida-Dad

Ida-Dad's wife, one of my good friends

Mary, an almost-sister friend

My Dad-Dad has tested as this too, though sometimes he also tests as INTJ. Which is interesting.... a subject for a different post, but perhaps not on this blog

ISTJ

Key words: Knight-in-shining-armor, protective of virtue, protective of loved ones, suspicious of unconventional, loyal friends, often "on a mission" of some kind (whether it be personal achievement or something related to personal values), procedure is important, organization is important, achievement is important, indepdendence is important, struggles to understand emotions/emotional decisions/emotional people, the best home-teachers, the best visiting teachers, immediately there when loved ones need them, core values are *who they are*, there is a right and wrong way to do things, saves people

Harry Potter Characters:

Professor McGonagall
Percy Weasley (I think)

People from my life:

My favorite brother-in-law, Anthony

ESFJ

Keywords/Phrases: Good hostess, aware of & expert at social interactions, giving & generous, worried about what's going on in others' lives & wants to fix things, can seek popularity & status, enjoys style, attracts those around them with wit & personality, generally has many friends but only really confides in a few, can be dictatorial when called upon to lead but endeavors tend to be successful if others follow, cares a great deal about convention

Harry Potter Characters:

Ron Weasley (He's a hard one, because he is really close on the P/J & he's also pretty insecure)

Molly Weasley
Petunia Dursley (she's an insecure ESFJ so don't be offended. THank you)
Lucuis Malfoy (He's evil. Doesn't matter what his personality type is... personality has nothing to do with evil, it's choices)
Fleur Delacour
Parvati Patil (I think)


From my own life:

A friend/Almost sister Elizabeth (though I think she's on the border of E/I, so she has ISFJ tendencies, too)
a few people in my ward who I won't name, but who made our girls' camp fundraiser a rousing success not only by helping organize but also rounding up people to bid.
My friend Cherise's husband, who I had to pretend to flirt with in a play
My friend Lisa! Who I like a lot. SHe's borderline on the S/N, so she's almost ENJF. Which is another lovely personality.

ESTJ

Keywords: strong personality, confident, often excels at sports, often excels in business, tends to appreciate convention, impatient with drama/overemotional-ness, takes stewardship very seriously & will put everything into that, sometimes defines self-worth by success of ventures undertaken, often loves extreme sports with a thrill factor such as skydiving, surfing, rock-climbing, scuba diving etc, can grow restless if there's not enough activity/progress, dynamic, natural leader, needs to be *doing* stuff

Harry Potter Characters:

Mad-Eye Moody
Draco Malfoy
Mr. Dursley
Dolores Umbridge
Pansy Parkinson (I think)(ugh. Three icky ones in a row. Sorry. Maybe Rowling really didn't like this personality, or something? Don't take it personally, ESTJs. Maybe she had an boss who was really lame or something....)

People from my life:

My sweet daughter Woinshet
My beloved high school choir teacher, Don Baggett (though I think he borders E/I)
My current bishop (I think) who is also pretty awesome (though he might border N/S and T/F)

OK. SO that's all the guardians. Those last four personalities are categorized "guardians" in Meyer's-Briggs philosophy.

INFP

Keywords: Free spirit, artist, hippie, revels in the unconventional, mystical, birkenstocks, cares about humanity, empathy for others, drifters, sage on the mountaintop, dislikes routine or convention, resistant to rules & authority, seeks comfort and avoids stress, generally easygoing until you tread one one of their core values, writers, very loyal to loved ones

Harry Potter Characters:

Luna Lovegood (you probably guessed)
Professor Trelawney (though I think she actually borders on S/N... still not sure)
Xenophilius Lovegood

People from my life:

My sweet daughter Ruth

Half my family (Mom, Sister Laura, Brother John (though he borders P/J)

My friend Josh Weed

My friend Ashley

My sweet sister-in-law Kimberly

All the hippies I ever met in CopyRight, especially the long-dreaded dude who always came in and talked to us about "boy problems"

The extremely attractive guy in concert choir with the sleepy eyes and a permanent attachment to his guitar

Basically half the town I grew up in.

INFJ

Key words/Phrases: This is hard, because it's my personality type, so I feel lame doing keywords for this one, like it's kind of self-indulgent. But, oh well.

People-centered, understands/always trying to parse out the needs and feelings of those around them, driven & often on a Mission to Save Humanity (& sometimes misguided/self-centered/impulsive/blind to others' real needs in these missions), Empathetic to an extreme (sometimes to their detriment), driven to accomplish, driven to solve others' problems, intuition is pretty strong & can predict stuff and see stuff, enjoys teaching, enjoys learning, fierce advocates/activists, open to others until core values are crossed, can be mistaken for extroverts because of people-focus, very sensitive to criticism, cultivates lots of friends but does not confide/share vulnerabilities with very many, if any, we like to think of ourselves as unconventional & might seem unconventional but really, we care about rules & have defined ideas of right and wrong, we just choose which ones we care about/ what we believe in(& then expect people around us to follow them).

Harry Potter Characters:

Albus Dumbledore

People from my life:

Me
My Grandpa Bob
Possibly my son Daniel (but he's a little young to guess yet)
My brother John sometimes
My friend DeMar
My friend Cherise
Tyler, the pretty awesome guy I dated schizophrenically for a short time between my first and second husbands
J.K. Rowling

ENFP

Keywords: Fierce optimists, avoid convention and rules, drama-free, not easily offended, likes to take charge but people find it pleasant when they are in charge, fun, happy, bubbly, good sense of humor, philosophical & unafraid of debate/discussion/deep talk, cares deeply about those around them, generally easy to get along with unless you cross them on one of their core values, talented at arts, veer toward philosophy & symbolism rather than systems with step-by-step processes and problems with only one right answer. Lives in a world of feeling. Very loyal to friends, loved ones & underdogs, enjoys popularity but kind to everyone.

Harry Potter Characters:

Cedric Diggory
Possibly Cho Chang, though she might be an introvert (INFP). I can't tell.

People from my life:

My good friend Hannah, who I still enjoy talking to even though we haven't seen each other in years, whose oldest daughter and mine could have been twins
My friend Lia,ditto to the above except for the twin thing, (though she might be ESFP like my daughter Meaza)
It's possible that Meaza actually is ENFP, because children tend to veer to S and develop their N capabilities later, and i've seen signs of that in her.

ENFJ:

Activists, *always* on a mission, gatherers of people, inspirers of people, perhaps the most people-centered of all the personalities, people like MLK are ENFJs. Very into philosophy and the fate of humanity. Sometimes so driven they're blind to the details, can be impuslive and too ambitious in endeavors, enthusiasm can run away with them, fiercely loyal to friends, fall in love easily, does not let go of people easily, will (sometimes unwisely and impulsively)sacrifice everything for loved ones, very driven in endeavors, works hard to succeed, and to make group endeavors succeed.

Harry Potter Characters:

Lilly Potter
Bellatrix Lestrange

People from my life:

My friend Kelsie
My friend Nichole

That's all the idealists. That's the category of these previous four personalities, acc. to Meyers-Briggs philosophy.

INTJ

Keywords: Strategists, Chess champions, driven to succeed & plans carefully, interested in philosophy but also very practical, things have a "right place", cares about endeavors succeeding, can tap into intuition as well as logic, and so can be creative genuises who are also brilliant at the business side of things, so often make successful entrepreneurs and are often the force behind new movements in business/technology (eg Steve Jobbs). incredibly intelligent, but sometimes baffled and overwhelmed by own emotions/emotions of others. Tend to avoid/not have time for large loud crowds or illogical situations, especially involving emotional drama, but can handle them if put in leadership positions.

Harry Potter Characters:

Hermione Granger


People in my life:

My Dad (though sometimes, as I said, he's tested ISFJ)
My Sister Carolee
My sweet daughter Emma, and I think my sweet daughter Hazel (but she's a bit young to know)
My friend Kimberly
Captain Jean-Luc Picard (who counts, Dangit. He helped me be a better YW president).

INTP

Keywords/phrases: Mad Scientist, inventor, brilliant at systems, brilliant at mechanics, lives for ideas & philosophy, very introverted/would like to be left alone in Science Lab, late-night programmers, your basic computer nerd who you always call to come fix your tricky computer problems, Does not like authority/rules & will sometimes go to great length to circumvent them, feelings of self-worth sometimes weighed by competence in maintaining/fixing/inventing/solving problems, would rather not be hampered by duty, passionate about experiments, rare souls, deeply attached to small circle of friends/loved ones though perhaps not always talented at showing it, can have a brilliant sense of humor, unassuming, enjoys serving others with their talents but would prefer to do so away from the people, seeks comfort over convention.

Harry Potter characters:

Severus Snape (my favorite character, btw)
Possibly Arthur Weasley

People in my life:

My husband, Jeffrey (my favorite person btw)
My son Samuel, I think
Possibly my son David (but he's a little young to be guessing)
Dr. Who (he counts!!)

ENTJ

Keywords/Phrases: Brilliant leaders, movers and shakers, focused on peoples/systems, the one you want to run your company, the one you want to run your sports program, the one you want to run everything, can be intimidating because they are such a forceful, capable personality, driven to succeed & to make ventures succeed, can be over-driven and overlook more human concerns, can also be great at solving peoples' problems. Learns from mistakes. Practical & matter-of-fact & not given to much emotion but capable of empathy & understanding the emotions of others.

Harry Potter Characters:

Ginny Weasley

From my life:

Actually, I can't think of any right now. But it would be cool (and possibly intimidating) to get to know someone like this.

ENTP

Keywords/phrases: Enthusiastic, "idea man," Understands people/social situations quickly and adeptly, upbeat visionaries, place high value on knowledge and competence. Sometimes has lots of great ideas that never get realized because of lack of follow-through. Needs stimulation, rejects lectures and demonstrations in favor of figuring out through experience/doing it themself, not very receptive to constructive criticism. Can have a wonderful, sly, dry, witty, implied sense of humor. Can be very open and earthy. Needs grounding by loved ones. Sensitive to others' opinions & at the same time, defiant of others' opinions. Salesman, lawyer, witty political commetator/comedian, entrepreneur.

Harry Potter Characters:

Gilderoy Lockhart

Arthur Weasley (I'm actually struggling with this one. Is he ENTP or INTP?)


In my own life:

I think that the guy who built our house is this type. I don't know him well, but the times we've met, I've liked him a lot.
I think a guy my ex-husband and I were good friends with, back home in the home ward,is this type.
My father-in-law might be this type.

These are the Rationalists. Those four up there, according to Meyers-Briggs Typology theory.


This took me a long time. I'm tired. And you're welcome (or baffled) :)

I'm grateful to have this out of my system. How I love these books. And this type of analysis makes me more able to apply stuff in this imaginary world I Love so much to my own life/own kids/own family as well.

Elsa and Harry Potter and Marginalization

I was going to write a post today about how grateful I am for the trials in my life, listing the trials and then saying what I gained from them. But I feel like that would be too self-indulgent. I think it would be a good exercise for me, but not sure it belongs in a blog post.

Instead, I'm going to write a completely nerdy post about Frozen and Harry Potter, book 5, and psychology.

I struggle with the fact that people are bothered by the themes of marginalization, struggle, and coping in these stories.

Today I turned Frozen on for my kids. I need to take it easy because of baby issues in this pregnancy. And with three energetic small children at home, and older kids who can help all at school, I've been resorting to a movie in the mornings after we complete our schoolwork. And I realized, I really love the story, Frozen. I know that some of my friends and family struggle with this story because of themes they see in it. And the references to certain portions of the population who are marginalized by popular culture. IN short, the assumption that Elsa's story is a story about homosexuality, her struggle to control her feelings and try to hide.

It doesn't bother me, honestly, if that particular marginalizing trait is what the writers and producers were thinking of when they wrote Elsa's story. I personally don't find it a problem. We've got someone who is struggling, hard, with something. Who is frightened to be close to those around her because she's worried she'll taint them or harm them with her struggles. So she gets more and more tied up in her anxiety and introspection, and ends up hurting a whole bunch of people because she is unwilling to face what's going on inside her and let people know about it.

And the resolution of Elsa's story is not a problem either, I don't think. It's when she lets fear rule her that she hurts others. It's when she lets love rule her that she can control her powers. And in the end, we're talking about a pair of sisters who love each other very, very much.

I have a few sisters who have struggled with marginalization. One of my sisters really struggles with anxiety, social phobias, and as a kid, sensory processing. She really struggled on her mission. And she was marginalized for her struggles simply because she couldn't operate in the usual way.

Elsa's story of marginalization is one I identify with strongly. And to delve a bit further. I struggle with the backlash people have had against Frozen and it's supposed agenda, because it shows, so very clearly, how people are still stuck in the place of struggling, not with choices people make, but *difference*. People struggle with struggles in others they can't ignore. If we're talking specifically about same-gender attraction or homosexuality, people still struggle with the fact that it even exists. And with the idea that a person cannot help those particular feelings.

I feel like it's time to put that aside. You can't tell someone they're wrong for how they feel. Sorry. And honestly, it's not your job to tell people they're wrong for what choices they make, either, unless you've got some kind of stewardship over them--you're a bishop, you're a parent. If a bishop or parent is doing their job, they are tapping directly into the spirit and Heavenly Father's will, so words and ideas will come to them that will help the person. And a good bishop or parent will agonize over every word, every decision, as they help their child negotiate this challenge. If you are someone who is a friend, your role is support. Kindness. Tolerance. Imagine how much a parent agonizes over how to help their child, how careful they are in saying the right things, making the right decisions. If you ever do say something to someone struggling with an issue that marginalizes them, you'd better agonize just as much, think just as hard, and be just as inspired before you ever open your mouth.

Whew. Wasn't planning on getting that feisty.

Anyway. Elsa's good in my book. Let it go, girl. Let people see who you are, and allow those who love you to get close to you as you negotiate whatever difficult, vulnerable issues your ice-castles represent.

In the same vein, a lot of people struggled with Harry when he suddenly got angsty and sullen and started yelling at people in the fifth book.

Personally, I had the opposite reaction. As I read that book, I felt how real it was. His reactions, his needs, his frustrations and journey. Let's think about this for a sec, OK? He's got a completely neglectful family and he's turning fifteen, an age where most people struggle with feelings and hormones and etc. I've been around a lot of fifteen year olds, and let's just say that most of them aren't pleasant to be around at times. So Harry, in this book, suddenly became REAL for me.

And that's not all, either. Remember what happened just before the start of Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix? He spent all year being shunned by his peers, even his best friend in the world, as he negotiated challenge after challenge that nearly took his life. He was kidnapped and nearly killed, and watched as his friend Cedric was murdered.

If Rowling had continued with a cheery, unassuming, upbeat Harry in book five, I would have thrown it across the room. And I suspect many of you would have, too. He had just undergone some pretty intense trauma. And the fact that, after these horrible events, he was suddenly again isolated from all his support groups, from all news, even, from knowing what was even coming next... if you read the story, you'll see signs of his shell-shock. Overreaction, intense fear, intense feelings of paranoia and loneliness. Harry, in this story, was a Hero. Because he overcame all this, forgave his friends, and finally (finally) began sharing with them and letting them fully into his world. This was the book where things got real--for the reader, for Harry, and for all his relationships.

And then remember what he did in this book--how patient and restrained he was even as he was tortured by a sadistic teacher, the courage and integrity of his actions as he went against the establishment he knew was wrong in order to protect people he cared about as he formed the Defense Association. And then how he finally let his friends help him--allowed them into his worries and trauma and the danger that surrounded him, as he went to find out what happened to his godfather. This is the book where Harry finally sealed his goodness, for me. HE went through stuff. He reacted the way people who struggle with trauma react. And he overcame it.

If you want a story about someone who never questioned anything, who reacted calmly and sweetly to every trauma in his life, and always smiled and was cheerful, you're not going to find it in Harry. You're also not going to find it in the New Testament.

I feel like the fact that these stories have raised such reactions in our culture is a sign of a problem that really disheartens me.... people don't want to see it. They don't want to see struggle, they don't want to see or identify with situations where they don't have all the answers. They'd like their stories to be wrapped up in perfect, easily-lauded packages and their characters to be heroes in the way that supermodels are air-brushed, edited, and impossible to emulate.

Dude. Elsa's pretty awesome. Think of all the fear she inherited, and how she managed it for so long... she was pretty strong. And think of all she had to negotiate. Anna's pretty awesome too. Loving, non-judgmental, always sure that her sister would do the right thing, willing to be hurt by her in order to help her. WE should all be Annas to those around us, and hope that our loved ones are Annas in return when we end up in our own ice-castles.

We need to remember that struggle does not equal sin. Someone who isn't always reacting exactly as you think they should may be operating under burdens you cannot understand. Their reactions and coping mechanisms may not be what you think you'd choose, but you'll never known until you're there. And just because someone doesn't seem perfectly happy or cheerful, just because they can't run as fast as you think they should, does not mean they aren't doing exactly what God expects them to do. It doesn't mean they aren't working as hard as they can. And you can either be the one who reaches out and lifts up those around you who are struggling, or you can be their stumbling-block by judging them and reinforcing their marginalization.

I studied traumatic grief, bereavement, and PTSD with a BYU professor for two years. Do you know what the one variable is, the one thing that can make a difference for someone in terms of outcomes and recovery?

Social support.

That is the one thing that seems to make a difference, if you're looking at the numbers and symptom severity. So this is the ironic, kind of hilarious thing about it: the very people who are uncomfortable around someone because they aren't coping, are the ones emphasizing those poor coping mechanisms. If you isolate someone because you don't like how they're handling their struggles, you are part of the problem. You could even say, you are prolonging and perhaps causing the very things in the other person that are making you uncomfortable.

If you really want to change someone's trajectory, you will be warm, welcoming and friendly. You will include rather than marginalize. And for that reason, I'm really glad there are Annas, Olafs, Hermiones, Rons, and especially Luna Lovegoods in the world.

Babiez

Anyone ever seen that hilarious Madonna/Angelina Jolie SNL skit about Babies? I wanted to embed that here, but couldn't find a link. Just look it up. Madonna. Angelina Jolie. Babies. You won't be sorry.

Some people might call Skywalker and I baby hoarders. We adopted two and a half, and had our own 5 and a half. That makes 8 babiez total. We've completely used up our Standard American Quota, like... thrice. Maybe Four times. Some would argue, eight times.

Well, make that nine times, world. We Dunsters are welcoming our next and last family member into our ranks. That's right, baby number 9. Due at the end of January. And we found out this week that it's.....

A girl.

I hesitated to say anything for a while this time. I feel a bit protective of my business lately because of Stuff. I'm telling people this now because my body is going to start announcing it for me pretty soon and I kinda seriously need to start wearing maternity clothes, and I would rather announce it once than announce it over and over and over again to individuals.
I'd also rather have control over this kind of personal, special news than having people gossip and/or speculate. So.... yeah.

We are so excited to bookend our family with another strong and lovely and sweet little sister. I've had wonderful boys, but I think we've all been missing the sweetness of baby girls. The kids are excited to have a baby sister and I've already got the feeling this one will be spoiled to within an inch of her life... or at least, parented to within an inch of her life.

I'm feeling really tempted to buy some very cute/fancy/girly stuff this time. In the past, I've avoided the baby-clothes buying binges and this is my last chance. I might go ahead and start what will inevitably happen and give this one all sorts of adorable clothing and accessories so that we can get going on the whole, "What! You never did that for me, mom!" thing.

I'm pretty excited, for so many reasons. But I'm also counting "lasts." And that's both happy and sad. I've been reading a lot of posts lately from friends who are starting to send their kids off to college or on missions... that will be me in 4 years. I can't quite believe it. Lasts, and firsts, and lasts. I guess we just enjoy the time as it goes by, and that way we don't feel we've missed anything. Today, I spent a couple hours holding my last little boy. My children are very sweet and beautiful. I'm glad there are several of them kicking around here. I'll be sad when they leave. I guess the only way to make up for it will be having passels and pecks of blond-headed and brown-curly-haired grandbabies one day. One day in the faaaaaar distant future, of course.

Anyway. It's out now... so I can break out all those obviously-maternity shirts and pants I've been avoiding in the name of anonymity :)

Greenhouse update: Bleaching, staining, siding, interruptions and more foundation

We had to take a hiatus on the greenhouse for a month or so as our involvement in the community play (Skywalker and I played one of the couples in Seven Brides for Seven Brothers) ramped up. The play was an amazing experience. We made some good friends :) I'm so glad. Friends are the best. Also I got to spend a lot of time with a sweet person who is an almost-sister who has been on her mission and busy with college for a while. It was a great experience, and I feel no regrets about the projects that needed to be put off (writing, greenhouse, school prep etc).

Skywalker has been bemoaning his lack of tools. But tools are an investment that we have to save up for. Finally, this past weekend, he bought a used radial arm-saw on craigslist. He got it for a pretty good price. It was missing a table, so he very carefully measured and fitted a table to it, using materials from an old treadmill he'd acquired (ironically, from the last play... two treadmills were used for one of the scenes and they were going to be thrown away, and we all know Skywalker and his thriftiness.)

He now has the tool he needs to do a lot of the work. It can now be done quickly and much less tediously. And in the past few evenings after work he has sided an entire panel. He tells me that the rest will go even faster now that he knows what to do and what measurements we need. The wood we are using was acquired from a source we found online a couple years ago. Skywalker has had an eye on this website for quite a while. The funny thing is, the owner of this company happened to move into our ward a year ago. Another not-coincidence in this endeavor. We're supposed to be doing this; Heavenly Father has given us reassurances and signs at every stage of this process. When we were finally ready to buy siding (we used a bit of our income tax return this year for that purpose, instead of devoting the whole of it to paying off principal on our house) we knew exactly what we wanted. And we ended up with a discount that helped, that we were not expecting. Blessings. Anyway, this company has the best prices for siding/tongue and groove etc that we have found anywhere, and they're great to work with, and they have branches all over the Salt Lake/Utah Valley on up through southeast Idaho. Check'em out.

We chose cedar tongue-and-groove siding and cedar-log siding. We got some discount pallets and bundles, so not all of it is utterly perfect, but we want our project to end up looking lovely and natural and whimsical and imperfect so it really was quite perfect. Here is what the wood looks like, after lying in the sun bleaching for about a month.

We will probably just use it like this, sun-bleached with no stain or anything, on the inside. Cedar is meant to be exposed to the elements, and it is lovely as it continues to weather naturally.

For the outside, we kind of wanted a more uniform look to the weathering, though, and we didn't want to wait years while it changed to the silvery color we've got our hearts set on, to match the grey/white/taupe colors of our house. I was planning on using commercial stain and bleaching oil, but following some good advice from the guy who runs this lumber company, we went a different direction. We bought a natural weathering treatment. It's a dry powder that you mix up yourself and paint on the boards and it is really effective. The results were immediate and beautiful, and exactly what we wanted. And it was natural, which we prefer, and much less expensive than what we were planning.

Here is what we've got on the house so far. You can see how the treatment has changed the color of the cedar wood. I think it goes so well with the color of our house. I couldn't be happier. We need to clean up those windows. This is an in-progress picture... you kind of have to have an imagination to know how awesome it looks :)

And from further away, so you can see how it looks with the rest of the house (you kind of have to squint to see where the siding is, and where it's still plywood. The colors are pretty subtle):

So this last schoolyear, Loli had a band trip, and because she is our first, experimental child, Skywalker and I had no idea that this meant she needed to sell 100 dollars worth of band cards. We didn't even know about the trip until two weeks before the money was due, because Loli plays her cards close to her chest. Or something. ANyway, when we found out, we didn't know what to do for a bit. Loli needs to be responsible enough to do the work or at least inform us that work needs to be done to go on this trip she wants to go on.

But she is the first, experimental child. Forging the path. Doing everything new. Not sure how to negotiate things, and she knows how full my plate is with all her siblings. I know how that feels.

So we cut her a break. We paid the band stuff ourselves out of the greenhouse budget, and she became our little laborer for the summer to earn the money. She's been helping Skywalker put in ceiling paneling, holding stuff for him, and a couple saturdays ago, she dug a pretty nice ditch under the north wall so we can lay down a concrete footer. That is the only area where a footer is missing. We're going to lay the concrete before the ground starts freezing again.

She did a pretty good job, didn't she?

The siding should progress fast at this point. And once we've got the new piece of footer poured, we'll move the wall there out slightly so it matches the edge of the house, and we'll side that too.

It feels so wonderful to almost be done with the outside! I've been stressing over that for a long time, because we want our lot and house to look nice. Once we get the siding off the grass, we'll be able to mow that stretch of lawn again, too.

Tired and Grateful

My days go like this:

Wake up feeling like something large has run over me, perhaps a rhinocerous

Read Scriptures, Write in Journal, get dressed and hug, diaper, clothe and perhaps bathe protesting, independent children who only want to run free and wild

Do school for an hour or so, in spite of tantrums over how much math and how much reading and whether lowercase letters are necessary

Send the kids outside and do laundry/tidy/give kids snack/kiss cuts/tell toddler not to whack his baby brother with sticks

Try to control the chaos of small children/go outside with the kids/sit exhaustedly in a chair in the shade and let the dog lick me

Make lunch & insist that bananas and carrots are important food

Put the babies down for nap/send the older kids outside with a reminder not to hit one another with sticks/dig up the yard with shovels/play with power tools

Write

Do YW calling

Market/submit

Try to fall asleep if possible for perhaps 15 minutes

As they come in the door, lecture adolescent daughters who forgot to brush hair/wear jeans without holes/wear shirts without stains/wear coats when it's snowing

Help school kids with homework/pick up or drop off from Piano lessons or soccer or playdates

Make dinner, which must be made so people can eat

Eat dinner, which must be eaten in spite of the fact that it's hard to like something I've actually made (why is that??)

Do chores/send kids to play practice/try not to snap or yell too much

Play games with the kids after chores/go to mutual

Collapse into bed and want to do nothing but lay there with Jeff and watch Poirot or Star Trek.


I feel like, lately, I've been losing my ground on sleep. We've had sick kids, I've had a stressful month. I'm struggling to be able to go to sleep, to be able to stay asleep, to be able to sleep in if I've not been able to go to sleep or stay asleep.

Honestly, I'm pretty exhausted.

Jeff and I are trying to move on to the next phase of getting the greenhouse ready. What's stalling us right now is we don't know how to do interiors... to put siding on interior windows/windowframes/beams/etc, how to make it look good. So we're waiting for a consult, right now. We could do the outside but we need to buy all the siding in one shot, so we get a good enough deal on it. We've set aside a bit of our tax return (usually all put toward paying off the house) for this purpose. But we have not had time, yet, since January, to actually have someone come in and look, or to decide on what kind of siding we want.

I guess I should feel grateful I'm dealing with these sorts of stresses, and not the sorts of stresses some mothers in rural Africa, for instance, are dealing with right now. I'm struggling because I don't have energy to make dinner... there are mothers out there who are struggling because they don't have food to make dinner. I'm stressed sending my kids off to play practice, there are mothers out there whose children are forcibly taken from them and made to go to war. I'm struggling to teach my adolescent daughters how to care for themselves physically and emotionally... there are mothers out there who are preparing their young thirteen year old daughters for marriage and the exhausting, heartbreaking life they've had to endure themselves. I'm struggling because i'm not getting enough sleep. There are mothers out there who are staying awake all night taking care of children dying of malaria, of aids, of starvation.

Sorry. I know that's a bit morbid. It's how I think though. I guess I'm just a bit morbid. I'm grateful that I have all my kids here, safe, and that I can keep them safe.

I'm tired and grateful.

California Adventures day 3&4: The Captain and the Cowboy and random graveyard stalking

California Adventures, day 1

So yesterday I left my home and half my family behind in Idaho, to travel to the mysterious and magical place of my childhood. I have my four youngest with me, while the four older stayed behind with Jeff. I'm here to watch my two little sisters while my parents journey to China for the last time to adopt a daughter. I'm also here to introduce my children to the fairtyales of my childhood:


the grocery store of yore, at the edge of the ponderosa groves

Where milk is twice as delicious, so it has to be twice as expensive.

The garden full of mystical asian pines and small, quiet pools where there are no goldfish because Herons feel right at home coming to steal them

And parks have three-story slides that adults are hesitant to utilize, even with the goading of their offspring

And creeks are populated with squirrels which are likely to be capable of speech

and there are gremlins

and giant things.

I'm also here to do some family history. My mother's the first convert, and so a lot of the history is oral, or in jumbled piles in boxes. I brought my scanner and my laptop. I'm transcribing and scanning.

I'm also planning on visiting a few places--a graveyard an hour away in Wheatland where my grandmother and grandfather are buried and one three hours away in Sonora, where some of my ancestors are buried.

My mother has never been there to see them. I don't even know if they're there for sure.


There are some family history mysteries to solve. I don't know the name of my great, great, great, great grandmother Silveira-Pereira. She and her husband perished in a shipwreck off the coast of Maine in 1839, a year where there were lots of terrible storms during the early winter months, and many ships wrecked and many people died. I am going to the county library in the place where the Silvers settled a hundred and fifty years ago. I've heard there's a lot of information there on the family. Nobody's gone there to investigate. That I know about, at least. It's possible that a name is written somewhere on a stray piece of paper, or on a record. That is my goal this trip--find the name of my four-greats grandmother. THey were the generation that immigrated from Portugal... the next step after finding her, would be to go over there, to the Azores Islands. A job for my brother, probably-- he served a Portuguese-speaking mission in Brazil.

While I was writing this, my four year old daughter went outside to play. For some unknown reason (mostly because she is my daughter) she decided to remove her shoes. She just stepped on a digger pine cone and cut her foot. Can I claim her as the ninth generation of californians, now that the red dirt of my childhood is literally in her veins?