Apr 1, 2013

i am not perfect

Sometimes I do things I wonder if I should have done, but still can't think how I would have done them differently. I think I tend to blame myself for any drama at all that happens in my life. One thing I have realized lately, however, is that I cannot control when drama happens. Sometimes you do everything you possibly can and it still happens. What I'm learning to do is, instead of blaming myself for unasked-for drama, to try to mitigate the effects of it. Sometimes that will help, and sometimes it won't. So in the end, all you can do sometimes is ride out drama, don't do anything you personally will regret, and work on learning something from the situation.

Lately I have been realizing that I cannot be perfect. And when I'm not perfect, accidentally or on-purpose, I need to figure out a way to forgive myself and learn something. That is a hard lesson... One I'm not sure most in my family know how to do. One that I'm just barely getting my head around.

This blog has been neglected for a while. I simply do not have time to post here anymore. I write, and I have to network and tweet and all kinds of stuff. I need to force myself to post here, however. This was my place to write, starting in 2005 before I even married Skywalker. This is kind of the place where I really learned how to write. This blog has been through hard times--a giant spike of traffic when I posted my series about pornography. A period of complete neglect, lately. Today I'll be working on getting my professional website on its feet, I think. Hard work, but necessary. I'm going to start trying to post a few times a week on this or my other blog. Lately I've been coping by playing fruit ninja or Candy Crush Saga for a few minutes at a time during the day. Instead, I need to come here and write for a few minutes during the day. Writing is something I do a lot of, lately... 1100 words at least. But I need to remember it's also my release.

In the past, I have not written during times of personal turmoil, because It is hard to write about. And share, especially. But I think I need to. No need for specifics. Time to put some stories behind me & to rest. But I think it's important. That's what this blog has been, and it's what it needs to continue to be.

Today, a facebook friend of mine, someone from my home stake in California, posted something that (unintentionally) triggered an old hurt. I wrote her about it. I actually un-friended her. These are things I don't generally do. Am I a little crazy right now? Perhaps. She wasn't too happy about it. I probably added to the pain of some things she and her family are going through right now. Am I perfect? No. Absolutely not. But I think admitting we aren't is the first step to becoming better.