Apr 1, 2013

i am not perfect

Sometimes I do things I wonder if I should have done, but still can't think how I would have done them differently. I think I tend to blame myself for any drama at all that happens in my life. One thing I have realized lately, however, is that I cannot control when drama happens. Sometimes you do everything you possibly can and it still happens. What I'm learning to do is, instead of blaming myself for unasked-for drama, to try to mitigate the effects of it. Sometimes that will help, and sometimes it won't. So in the end, all you can do sometimes is ride out drama, don't do anything you personally will regret, and work on learning something from the situation.

Lately I have been realizing that I cannot be perfect. And when I'm not perfect, accidentally or on-purpose, I need to figure out a way to forgive myself and learn something. That is a hard lesson... One I'm not sure most in my family know how to do. One that I'm just barely getting my head around.

This blog has been neglected for a while. I simply do not have time to post here anymore. I write, and I have to network and tweet and all kinds of stuff. I need to force myself to post here, however. This was my place to write, starting in 2005 before I even married Skywalker. This is kind of the place where I really learned how to write. This blog has been through hard times--a giant spike of traffic when I posted my series about pornography. A period of complete neglect, lately. Today I'll be working on getting my professional website on its feet, I think. Hard work, but necessary. I'm going to start trying to post a few times a week on this or my other blog. Lately I've been coping by playing fruit ninja or Candy Crush Saga for a few minutes at a time during the day. Instead, I need to come here and write for a few minutes during the day. Writing is something I do a lot of, lately... 1100 words at least. But I need to remember it's also my release.

In the past, I have not written during times of personal turmoil, because It is hard to write about. And share, especially. But I think I need to. No need for specifics. Time to put some stories behind me & to rest. But I think it's important. That's what this blog has been, and it's what it needs to continue to be.

Today, a facebook friend of mine, someone from my home stake in California, posted something that (unintentionally) triggered an old hurt. I wrote her about it. I actually un-friended her. These are things I don't generally do. Am I a little crazy right now? Perhaps. She wasn't too happy about it. I probably added to the pain of some things she and her family are going through right now. Am I perfect? No. Absolutely not. But I think admitting we aren't is the first step to becoming better.


Yitzchak Shlomo said...

hi sarah.
i wasn't sure how to contact you because i couldn't find an email address on your blog, so i figured i'd write a comment on one of your recent posts.
i am a religious Jew living in israel and have been part of a very special project involving a young lady named Aviva Krainess, who has a terrible auto-immune disease and is virtually blind. Her project is an attempt to bring quality, AUDIO entertainment that carries positive, wholesome messages to children around the world (not just Jewish children, but ALL children). it occurred to me that you might be interested in such a project, given all the overly not-so-wholesome garbage that is out there affecting our children, and in reality even ourselves.

please take a moment to see her video and audio trailer on her project page: http://www.themercava.com/projects/mindtheater

hope you enjoy and find this new project inspiring and useful! :)

Nate N Rebecca Scott said...

I think sharing your feelings and writing about them when your life is in turmoil is very difficult.

Rachel said...

Hey, I have not visited your blog in forever so it looks like we are very much on the same page. I am up, late, thinking about something that rings along with your post. I cannot take all the blame, why do I? Sometimes I have to ride out the drama and learn something from it. I hate riding it out. I just want to open the door and send it packing, but no, I have to go for the ride. Thanks. we can suck it up together. I'll be thinking of you.