Nov 3, 2011

Things we say: Boobs and Alcohol

(setting: squirt has developed a ritual of a nightly personal prayer with mom to fend off nightmares. Generally he's got this prayer down pat, but tonight he's a bit tired and more than a little sugar-high).

Squirt: *Clears throat, squints at NSG, and flings his upper body onto his mattress* Dearhevnyfather, thankyoufor thisday, thankyoufor... hmmm... this food, blessit'llbe good forusn help strengthen our bodies...

NSG: (trying to help out a little, whispers) please bless us...

Squirt: Please bless us...

NSG: To not...

Squirt: To not....

NSG: (silence)

Squirt: Drink alcohol. Or wine, or coffee.

NSG: (making a second attempt, whispers) Please help us not to have....

Squirt: Colds from this chocolate, and help us to strengthen our bodies... (springs upright) Mom, this is a different prayer. We need to start over again.

(Setting... the Nosurf fam has just filed out of the ultrasound room wherein they discovered the gender of their unborn child/sibling. They are now waiting in a tiny office room, children seated against every wall, waiting for the Dr. visit followup).

Skywalker: (eyeing the kids sitting at his feet, who are prodding and poking each other)Do we really need to be in here?

NSG: It's just a really short visit. I just want you here because they said Dr. _____ would be seeing me. He's the one who convinced me to come to this practice, and likely will be delivering the baby. I think you should probably meet him at least once.

Skywalker: OK.

(several minutes pass... kids switch walls, begin playing on the turny-chair, have to be asked not to spit on each other several times)

Skywalker: Are you sure we have to be here? There's spongebob on in the waiting room.

NSG: You don't like spongebob.

Skywalker: No, but it's better than this (gesturing to the now-somewhat chaotic mess on the floor... the kids found the magazines.)

NSG: I know. I know. He'll just be a minute. I just want you to meet him. He's a little wierd...

Skywalker: A little wierd? How?

NSG: I don't know. He's just kind of a strange person. I think he might have ADD... he talks a lot.

Skywalker: (makes a face.)

NSG: But he's competent and respectful. That's the important part. You'll probably like him.

Skywalker: Does it really matter if I like him or not?

NSG: He'll be delivering our baby.

Skywalker: (Shrugs) OK.

Several minutes pass... the magazines are abandoned in favor of loudness and dancing and lots of bumping into expensive eqipment).

Skywalker: Squirt, don't touch that. (Removes Squirt from the vicinity of the table, where he has been experimenting with the metal stirrups and gazing-lamp) Nosurf, do you really think we have to...

NSG: He's touched my boobs.

(utter silence for several seconds, Loli and Bella stare at NSG with horrified expressions)

Skywalker: (half-sputtering, half-laughing) don't they all do that?

NSG: Yeah. And you met the others. So now you need to meet this one, too.

Skywalker: (rolls eyes, wrests inside-out-rubber glove from toddler's grip and tosses it back in trash can) This seems a bit silly.

NSG: Yeah, well. I don't expect you to understand.


Margaret said...

Oh. my. gosh. Totally cracking up here. I love you guys!!

David L said...

That's awesome!!!!

That might be my new reason I give to everyone. "He's touched my boobs!"

I'll have to change it to man-boobs of course, but I'm using it!

merrilykaroly said...

I chortled out loud with laughter. Josh wanted an explanation but he'll have to read it himself to get the
full effect.

Are you keeping the gender secret like your sis did? I want to knooooow...

Putz said...

this does seem a bit silly, i am so glad we are all going to have another baby<><>did i ever tell you that><<>,.the most important thing in the world is having babies<<>did i ever tell you that???