Oct 19, 2011

motherly heartache

I haven't officially told this to the world yet: The Nosurf family will be welcoming its seventh child into the world on or around March 3, 2012.

OK, so, now that's out of the way...

I've been weaning baby Rose.

Baby Rose hasn't gotten a whole lot of publicity on here. MOstly because I took a big break when we moved, and she's only been around for 18 months. But she is very intelligent, flower-faced, large-blue-eyed, and has the ability to make great stern/and or bright smiley faces. She experiments sometimes, sitting in my lap and gazing at me sternly for a moment, then breaking into a smile that would take anyone's breath away and flinging herself against my torso, patting my back.

She also says stuff now.
Her newest language acquisition is the word "Why."
I'll say no more snack,she'll look at me, wide eyed...

Baby Rose: Why?

NSG: Because you just had six crackers, half a peanut butter sandwich and some yogurt. You don't need more food until lunch.

Baby Rose: (Frowning with intense concentration)Ukay. (walks off.)

This is a fun exchange... cute, heartwarming, delightful. Not so fun is this:

Baby Rose: (pointing at my shriveled, depleted mammary organs) Nana? Nana?

NSG: (Attempts a smile) All gone!

Baby Rose: (eyes slowly fill with tears, mouth trembles) Why?!

NSG: because my poor excuse for a body can only produce enough milk and nutrients for *one* child and you, flower baby of my heart, are being supplanted. Because it's all gone, Baby. I'm so sorry.

Baby Rose: (crying now) Why?

NSG: I'm sorry baby.

Lots of hugging and cuddling with baby rose, but lately... very little nursing. And I don't know why, but I don't feel relieved this time like I did with my last few. I feel sad. I don't want to say any time is the "last time." I suddenly realize that there is a level of closeness that goes away when the nursing goes away, and I can't just bring myself to end it, in spite of the fact that when we do nurse, Baby Rose nuzzles with increasingly more frustration, pulls away, cries, asks for the other side, finds it similarly depleted, pulls away, cries...

Why am I having such a hard time with this particular milestone? Do I love this baby more than I did the others? No.

It could be all the changes. Rose has been a comfort to me, and to our whole family. She is the sister that all of my kids, bio and adopted, "Share." She was in mommy's tummy, and born, when everybody was here. She has been babied more than any of my other babies ever were, by everybody. Maybe there is something especially sweet about a baby that knows she is the princess, the apple of everbody's eye... about an 18-month old who knows she can make someone happy by smiling at them.

I'm struggling with this weaning in a way I never anticipated I would... and it's making it harder for me to get excited about this new little one. I know I'll get over it, but for now, there's a bit of grieiving going on.


Janell said...

Congratulations! Are you hoping to have or to avoid a Feb 29 baby? Do you yet know or do you plan to learn the gender if your next-born?

And condolences. There is always grieving period when something is precious cannot be regained.

Camilla said...

Very exciting! You, Adele, and I are all due around the same time- like within a week or so of each other (me, the 23rd of Feb., Adele, the 27th). Baby Rose sounds as beautiful as she looks in any pictures I've seen of her. Truly angelic features that one has.

merrilykaroly said...

Yay!!! You're amazing.

And I've only nursed two babies but weaning is emotionally distressing for me. Especially my second time-- it almost killed me it made me so sad. Man, your description of your conversation with her.... almost broke my heart.

DaveL said...

How am I supposed to pass on this bit that you wrote?

"pointing at my shriveled, depleted
mammary organs"


And the race is officially on!! We may be due a week earlier than you, but you've had more practice. ;-)

Putz said...

you adele camilla and i are all duwe around the same time ><< i am routing for another girl for all of us< and now i just read of dave l<><>all of us multiplying and replentishing the earth all by ourselves

Putz said...

p,s, you gave away this news a long time ago, remember???

the nice one said...

congrats!! and i share you pain. Baby Number 3 is the first one that i've been able to feel that i'm nursing as long as i would like, don't let it get ya down!!

Anonymous said...

I don't know whether this will help you or not, but I always try to remember that I can't get to what's next until I can let go of what's here and now. Too, I think a little grieving is natural. Something is ending, but something else is beginning.