Mar 9, 2010

Top Ten Things You Should Never Say to a Pregnant Woman

10) Anything about looking too big or too small. You just can't go right with that.
9) If you're her gynecologist, please do not compliment any part of her body, no matter how innocent it seems to you. It's just creepy to be told your ankles are looking nice and un-swollen by someone you've studiously tried to relegate to purely professional status in your hypersensitively modest universe.
8) Please don't tell any stories about women dying in their sleep/in the emergency room/in the middle of a C-section due to pregnancy related issues.
7) Labor stories are generally comforting and interesting, but not if you're venting about the labor from hell (where they had to stitch you up for an hour and you pushed for seven hours and your transition lasted ten hours) to someone about to give birth within a week or two.
6) Don't come to her house, look around, and offer to help with cleaning.
5) Nothing about "I thought you'd already had your baby" or "shouldn't you be popping about now?" Popping? Who came up with that word? It creates distinctly unpleasant mental images.
4) No sympathetic faces for the woman who confesses she's having her 5th girl-child. Get excited for her... please... please help her get excited to be pulling out all the frills and pink yet another time.
3) As relates to adoption: if you say anything at all along the lines of, "well, you got those two the easy way, and now you're going to have to put up with labor again," please don't get offended if your face gets laughed upon.
2) Don't you dare say anything at all about eating too much chocolate. Particularly if you're a husband-type person.
1) Don't ask if she's ready. Nobody is *ready* for labor and all that follows... and if you want to help her by bringing over casseroles after the baby is born, that's great, but don't stop a heaving, expectant mom with 5 kids in tow who is eye-ing the chapel doors wildly, and attempt to have a 10-minute conversation about casseroles.

And that's all folks.

11 comments:

Rachel said...

SO funny. I did have a birth from H E double hockey sticks. Post birth I rudely avoided a friend's calls because she was due any day and I did not want to mess with her psyche!

the quirky one in the family said...

One that I would add to my top ten list would be: Don't say stupid comments like "You haven't had that kid YET?" If you see that she is still pregnant, reminding her of it is pointless.... she, for sure, hasn't forgotten it!

Great list!

merrilykaroly said...

Ha!

My favorite is #2.

NoSurfGirl said...

Rachel... now I'm interested. Did you blog about it? I might have to go back through your archives and find it and freak myself out...

Quirky One: Yeah... it's kind of hard to forget about a squirming, 8 lb parasite residing in your abdominal cavity :) Maybe I should say that next time someone says that to me...

Merrily: lol. It's true, isn't it?

Putz said...

i think your pergnaancy ought to considered entirely unique and this is why>>>i can't think of anyone who had let two little girls into their life and then found out she wash going to have a third>>>>nope that is unique, so you should be treated, kind of like an alien from another planet, special on a pedestial to be admired except you have to do a lot of work{having a lot of work to do} and that probably won't work for you, will it??????this is probably a very stupid comment, huh?????

Putz said...

p.s.i don't mean a third, i mean a sixth

Camilla said...

Haha- I love it! I especially love #7- the one about labor stories. Oh what a piece of work people can be when they think they've got a gripping story to tell. It's called TIMING guys. Sheesh. Although, maybe people think you're a pro or something, especially since you're such a confident person. Anyway- can't wait for you to "pop" so we can see your gorgeous little girl! (Just kidding! Please don't un-cousin me for saying that- I simply couldn't resist!)

Cami said...

That is the best list ever! I love it! You are so funny and SO talented! I love reading your blog! And I am so excited you get to pull out pink and frills again! And just so excited for you!

NoSurfGirl said...

After having a game night with Dave and Skywalker and being teased mercilessly I must add a number eleven.

No references to fruit or uses of fruit-related adjectives in describing a pregnant woman's state.

Ewwwww.

Anonymous said...

I have to agree with the no commenting about eating too much chocolate. Randy has learned to not comment on my pregnancy eating habits unless he wants to get a really dirty look. That's a great list!

Anthony D said...

Haha, I had a good laugh at your list. Thanks for the warnings, however I highly doubt that I'd ever make any of these mistakes...at least I'd like to think so ;)