Aug 23, 2010

Going Crazy, Maybe


I think I might have officially had my breakdown today. Let's face it, it's been a long time coming.

What an NSG breakdown looks like:

obsessing until 11:30 at night, trying to make schedules fit with ballet and Activity days even though I could do it the next morning, perhaps more productively.

Climbing into bed and getting weepy, talking to Skywalker about how he spends way too much time on the computer in evenings and I need more of him. Nice, mutually loving and satisfactory conversation, but lasts until 1:30 am.

The next morning, blowing up over a hole in the parachute that was caused because the kids were disobediently using it to drag each other across the living room carpet. Long lecture on obedience, resulting in MayMay being put in her room for talking back and Bella being put in time out for a lesser, similar offense.

later on in the morning, exploding, crying, and reconciling with sister, after a mutual event of lots and lots of buried frustration. I can think of *one* other time this has happened since we've both reached adulthood... oddly enough, both happened within the past year... you know, since the adoption.

Ship me off to the funny farm. Seriously.

This is what I have to deal with this week:

1) restart of Ballet classes, for all 4 of my older girls. 3 have never taken them. I feel this is important because MayMay is physically delayed, Loli is physically small and has a genetic tendency toward some physical weaknesses that are helped a great deal by dance. Plus she really enjoys it and is good at it.
2) restart of music classes this Friday, which I feel I cannot gracefully get out of because a friend does them and, in desperation offered 2-for-the-price-of-one. Plus my kids love them and freaked out when I said we're cancaling and it gets them constantly singing, which is something I want for my family. Plus my girls are best friends with some of the kids in the class, and need the social interaction.
3) Social worker is coming over tonight for our year-post interview. So the house has to be clean.
4) League of Utah Writer's meeting Tuesday night. This is not a source of stress, it's a source of relief and de-stressing... but I feel guilty for taking that evening off when Skywalker is so swamped at work because of beginning-semester-push.
5) Wednesday is Activity days for Loli. And usually my day off for that league of utah writer's meeting and voice lessons, on alternating weeks. It's also Homeschooling friends Girl's club, which takes place in the middle of the day, and which I feel I've been guilted into attending (not by you, Sarah H.) I do have a voice lesson this week.
6) Thursdays might be my redemption this year. But this week I have a recital on Thursday evening. *edited to add, found out the recital was pushed to Friday so I CANNOT attend. Um. Yay?*
7) Fridays are homeschooling friends friday fun classes, which could be fun but are usually stressful. Like I said before today is also the girl's music lessons. This friday is the homeschooling friends campout which I have been somehow strongarmed into planning, when originally I simply offered to reserve the campsite for everyone. It's friday-saturday. As I said on Saturday I have a birthday party to try to attend.
so in short:

Monday: dance from 2:15-3:45, plus FHE to plan and treat to try to throw together, this week SW interview
Tuesday: this week LUW meeting
Wednesday: Girls club 1:00, activity days 4pm to 530 on alternating weeks, voice lesson 7pm
Thursday: Skywalker's night off (he'll need it. He'll probably even stay at work and use his "night off" to program and fix software until the wee hours of the morning)
Friday: Friday Fun classes from 9-11pm weekly. This week, Homeschooling friends campout. Going up at 3pm to get everything going and charcoal briquettes going.
Saturday: usually a free day. this week, homeschooling campout ends hopefully at 12:00 pm so we can get out of there and up to niece's birthday party by 3 or 5 whatever she decides in the end
Sunday: Skywalker is ward clerk, enough said

And also, this whole week, Skywalker is goign to have to stay as late as possible on our free nights to fix all the problems people caused while we were on vacation. The anger and frustration this has caused Skywalker, and also me, has been a definitive stressor this week.

And also, I'm on a diet. Which, I haven't really felt irritable or low-energy until the evenings when Skywalker is actually here, but let's face it... it's likely contributing. Detoxing is no fun.

And also, I'm going through the standard beggining-of-homeschooling-year freak out session. The problem is... I know the school system would be even more stressful to have to deal with... I was joking to skywalker last night that I always think now, when I stress over homeschooling, what's the other option? There is no other option.

Anyway, I had to vent... and now it's over. So please wish me luck, say a prayer... blueslip me to the funny farm...

tell me which one I can eliminate???

Thank you,


PS: one thing's for sure. We're having pizza for dinner tonight.

And we're eating it on paper plates.


Janell said...

Better check the dough source on that pizza ;)

DH is the ward clerk, and I would probably be frustrated with his calling if we had children. It's a busy-busy position! I'm incredibly grateful that the other clerks have been diligent in not making problems that require fixing.

I have no idea what you can drop, and worse, no ideas on how to find time to add a bit more sanity into the mix.

Good luck. I'll send prayers in your direction.

Josh said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Josh said...

mmmm, dough pizza is da best.


Putz said...

a diet, why in the world would a cute girl like you be on a diet?????>>>i just went to the doc and lost 6 pounds and got no compliment only a rebuff so a diet????/no way hosea

dave l said...

Sounds like you need a chocolate intervention! :-)

Or at the very least, an Arby's.

Anonymous said...

I can only empathize...I have had every one of these emotions except the sister conflict, and that's just because I have no sister. To say "It gets easier" is true, but no help to you in the heat of things. My kids are 30, 27, 25, 21, 17, 15 and 12 and I still have days when I get weepy at bedtime and need to talk til 1 am. And...the school system....I have been "mama bear" with school for two weeks running and have a counselor, a science teacher and an administrative assistant quaking in fear when they see my number on caller ID. And that's just the high school. The elementary school is going to get it next, for "forgetting" that my daughter doesn't read English yet. Prayers for you. As dad's T shirt motto reminds us: "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger."
love from Mom

Sarah said...

I feel your pain, friend, I really do (see...I TOLD you we have a lot in common!). For what it's worth I'm not doing FFC this year. I think the guilt issue is happening to a lot of us in the group and you know, it's just not ok. We need to do things out of desire and not out of guilt. The BEST thing for our kids is to have a mom that is not stressed out and stretched to her limits all the time. All the rest of the activities that we try to fit in either because we want to or we feel strongarmed into...those things are all good and worthy but NOT at the expense of a calm and happy mother for our kids.

Your insane schedule sounds a lot like mine, really---down to husband's all-day-Sunday church calling and the beginning of semester crunch. I'm trying not to operate out of guilt as much, which I find to be an incredibly tricky thing to pull off.

Kristie said...

totally understand. About last March while pregnant, I had a similar breakdown. I just quit EVERYTHING, and even though I was sad at first, I am happy I did it. Now I told myself even if it's a good thing, don't add it if it's going to make me frustrated or in a bad mood. I learned this: We were at the Monterey Bay Aquarium for the 2nd day in a row, and at the end of the day I was getting tired and grouchy. I wanted to finish and see everything, but I was grouchy. When we got in the car I asked the kids, "wasn't that fun?" Nathan said no because I was in a bad mood at the end. I should have just left so it would have been fun. Now I will not do something unless I can be happy. Also, I think Fri. fun is stressful with my kids as well, so I am not doing it this year. Ballet, etc. is great to give to your kids, but a happy mother is even better.

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