Adoption Adjustment: Wise Giving

One thing that is difficult for some adoptive parents, particularly when they're adopting older children, is curbing the desire to heap presents on their previously deprived childrens' heads. The natural tendency is to buy goodies and treats and toys and books and clothes and everything you can see that might bring joy and fun into the life of your children, who have previously known scarcity and want, and perhaps had a barbie doll but it was likely 20 years old, chewed up with matted hair and a missing limb or two.

It says in all the adoption books not to give too many presents right up front, and if you do give them things, to be careful about not making a big deal out of it, overwhelming them with newness. The problem I have is, I already have kids. Who have toys. LOOOOTS of toys. Bringing home our two new girls without a few toys of their own felt just cruel and unusual to me, so I bought them each a pony and a barbie and a few barbie dresses, some crayons and some coloring books. And I had some long talks with Loli and Jaws about "my things" and "everybody's things." I told them they could choose five things they could put on a list of "mine." The rest of the toys in the house needed to be everybody's, and anybody could play with them on a first-come-first served basis.

I didn't anticipate that one of the toys on Jaw's list would become an issue. I naturally assumed that if I got the two new girls barbies and ponies all would be OK because my daughters generally play barbies and ponies. THey're not really big on baby dolls. Jaws has a little baby with pajamas and a few accoutrements that she received as a gift the Christmas that Squirt was born. It's kind of a tradition in the Nosurf family... youngest child gets a baby when Mom gets a baby, and they can take care of their babies together. Sort of cuts out a little bit of the displacement and sibling rivalry issues (though of course there's still a lot of that, too.)

Bella saw the baby and immediately it was her lodestar. Jaws was cheerful about sharing, but became less and less so. Bella became more and more secretive, hiding baby in spots she could find it, hoarding other "equipment" that went with various other siblings toys. I had to intervene a few times, one time had to put the toy in "time out."

OK, so one phenomenon I hadn't counted on with the new kids was the entitlement issue. I think it has something to do with going from having nothing, and absolutely no possible way of getting even some semi-basic needs met, and then coming to a place that obviously had EVERYTHING conveniently lined up on a shelf (and sometimes even right in the kitchen cupboards!) They take it really hard when I say "no." Bella especially. She'll wimper for hours. I've had to do some time-outs and those time-outs aren't fun. But they are neccessary.

But anyway I digressed. IN this case, it was getting to be too much for me. A constant daily battle over the doll. And as I saw it I had two choices: get rid of the doll forever (not really fair to Jaws, and honestly, not fair to Bella either) or get them all dolls.

So I did something completely unlike me and splurged on toys. I went to target and bought 4 baby dolls and 5 baby strollers... the kind that I would have drooled over at my kids' age. And after a family home evening about sharing and playing nice together and how to be good to each other when we play, I let them all choose a doll, starting with Loli and ending with Jaws. The old baby went to Squirt.

In all, even though I wince thinking what a crazy impulsive spoiling-my-kids sort of gesture it was, I think I made the right choice. They have looooved playing with their "babies" together. And I think it provides some good bonding and role play. Loli's got the "good mom" routine down, and Bella will watch and copy her. Quite often, children will enact their traumas through play. They are being good moms to their babies, washing and feeding them and not abandoning them. And I get the opportunity to praise them often throughout the day for their "good parenting".

Sometimes rules work, and sometimes you have to just roll with things. And these pictures are so hilarious and cute, it was almost worth it just for the photo op.