serious reminscing

Skywalker and I are in the process of cleaning out the office. We're talking boxes and boxes of stuff that ought to be either incinerated or stored in deep dark places where we will only venture once a year or so. Actually, some of these boxes are leftover from our move about a year and a half ago. Yes, we've slacked. Sigh. Oh well, we're getting it done today.

Skywalker suggested that I gather all the paraphenalia together from my previous marriage and put it in one place, so that Loli can have it all one day. I went through pictures, letters, postcards, birthday cards. It was quite an interesting journey. I don't feel the hurt or fear anymore, or even the stomach clenching worry about Loli and whether she's OK or not. IT's all good. We're past that, thank God. So going through, much more objectively this time, I have come to some conclusions:

1) Loli's biological father loved her very much, even though he didn't do right by her.

2) He was a good husband, the part of him that I knew. A very good husband, and a good person, who was crippled by his life experiences and his own way of dealing with them. He could have been the best father/husband in the world, and I could have stayed married to him, if he had been able to work his issues out before doing what he did.

3) He was relieved to be relieved from the responsibility of being my husband, loli's father, and an active church member, because it was causing too much agony and dissonance for him. Not because he didn't want us.

4) Skywalker and I are much more eveny matched as far as emotional maturity and responisbility are concerned... but he (loli's bio dad) had a lot of potential, and could have become that, had he made different choices.

5) I was very, very, very, very young when I married the first time. I was also a very strong person. Holy cow. I don't know what it is about going through and reading old notes, old articles, looking at old pictures, but it gives you fresh perspective, and I am proud, today, of that round-cheeked little 21-year old girl who went through all that. In the same way I'd be proud of a little sister. And I see that same sort of strength in Loli... I feel very, very, very blessed to be who I am, and to have been raised by the people I was. I owe everything to my family who taught me that strenght of endurance and character.

So, reminscing over.... the room is cleared out now, and our bed is moving DOWNSTAIRS ( a very, very good thing, as our stairs are probably a 45 degree incline and I'm not planning on climbing them anytime soon after having this little bugger. :)