move and scramble

You know what I love? Moving.

No, not really. But I love SOME things about moving:

you get to learn from your previous slight disorganization and reorganize everything better.

You find books you never read that you have always want to, some of which you do not recognize.

You find herbal suppliments that you do not recognize, and are mostly expired. But you decide you're going to use them anyway ;)

You get to meet new neighbors.

You get to start fresh with a new garden plot that hasn't been jinxed by a couple of seasons worth of shriveled, stunted vegetable plants.

You get a bathtub this time!! (well, this probably only applies to my situation.)

Your fingernails are really really dirty for a couple of days, and then really really clean for a couple of days. (moving, then white-glove cleaning).

You have an excuse to eat fast food because all your dry goods are in one house and all your produce, in another, and so there's not much you can make for meals. (or so you say to your husband... it's really that you can't stomach the thought of COOKING A MEAL in the midts of moving and cleaning.)

People suddenly tell you how much they wish you were staying, and you almost wish you were... but the addition of 700 square feet of room kinda swings you in the glad you're moving direction. But it's neat to know that people like you.

So, I won't be posting much for a couple of weeks, until we get internet installed. Unless one of our neighbors lets us share their wireless for a bit. I'll miss posting while I'm gone!!!

The fear

I came to a sudden realization the other day.

OK, this may sound kind of weird, stay with me for a sec...

I have this pathological fear of evil spirits, particularly possession by evil spirits.

Like, my worst nightmare is exactly that. And there are enough stories in scripture about it happening that I can't just dismiss it as a fairy tale that doesn't really happen. And in modern times (like, at the time of the restoration, etc) we have examples of it happening.

A couple of years ago, my bishop recommended counseling because I was getting over a messy divorce (so messy that it took about 2 years to get over) and trying to date again. So I went to this counselor (he was very very good, btw) and he handed me this intake assessment. With T/F questions. Being a psychology student and Psych tech, I recognized it immediately as a homemade tool for the diagnosis of possible mental illnesses that would probably be followed by further testing if there were any area of concern indicated by my responses.

I took a deep breath and told myself I was going to answer the items honestly... With no intention of watering down anything... I would put "T" if any of the things were even sometimes true... That way I would get my money's worth in counseling.

Well, one of the items was, "are you afraid of evil spirits." Another was, "are you afraid of possession by evil spirits." I had to put true for both of them, and for a lot of the other fear items.

I didn't ultimately turn it in... And he didn't mention it, so I didn't either...
it just sounds like such a wired, pathological fear.

I was reading through this month's Ensign the other day, when for no particular reason I thought of this again.

And I suddenly realized that I am already possessed by an evil spirit of sorts-- the spirit of fear. I fear everything, from what others think of me to imagining all sorts of horrible things happening to those I love, to the future, to ruminations about the past...

I am crippled by fear.

I went to my scriptures and read a passage that I suddenly thought of, when Christ was talking to Martha after she asked Him to rebuke her sister Mary because Mary wasn't helping her enough, and she felt overwhelmed by playing hostess alone.

Christ's response:
"Martha, Martha, thou art careful and troubled about many things: But one thing is needful: and Mary hath chosen that good part, which shall not be taken away from her.

In the footnote "careful" is translated as "worried."

Another scripture calls worry a "snare" (psalms.) Another said that the fearful have their place in the fiery pit (I think proverbs, or perhaps Isaiah... I didn't save these because I was just zipping around trying to find what I needed.)

I need to give up fear. I have to, there is no choice anymore. I won't be able to enjoy my children or my husband, or anything good that comes into my life, if I fear losing it so much all the time. True, I have had losses... But it's time to enjoy life again.

Anybody else out there crippled by something like fear, or worry, or maybe depression or stress? I'd love to hear about how you overcame it.

I have decided that the first and best step is to recognize when I'm going into fear mode, and make efforts to not entertain those thoughts... Similar to what President Kimball said about not entertaining evil thoughts. Because fear, as we see in scripture, is evil in a way... Because it indicates a lack of trust in God. And a fear of man more than God.

well, that's it for today.

carmelized breakfast

This morning, I woke up and realized we're out of soy milk and eggs, and we have no vegetables to speak of.

I could make oatmeal, but I just can't stomach the thought of eating it without soy milk.

So this morning, much to loli's delight, we are having cinnamon toast for breakfast. And I will go grocery shopping...

right after I give out 'new sister' sheets to two ward members,

and after my presidency meeting which will last at least until noon,

and after I put a load of laundry in at my mother's condo (so nice of her to use the facilities, but with a 4 person family that necessitaties a daily trip).

So that's pretty much all of my day, except for loli's school. Have I mentioned that we homeschool? Here's a website that is a cheesy but accurate description of why. http://www.raisingsmallsouls.com/wp-content/themes/179/aschool.html

I was one of those who was good at one sujbect and not so great at another... etc.

So I have decided that my children will not be labeled. Maybe later on in their education (high school) if they want to try conventional schooling, we'll experiment and see how it goes.

Loli is already a reader. Holy cow! I never thought I'd be able to teach anyone how to read, and here I am. And here she is, 4 years old. I'm going to go find a 'bob book' sometime soon for us to start practicing more. Right now we use the scrabble set. She loves it.

Well, off to make our carmelized breakfast.

hamburger friend

I thought this was pretty funny. It's from engrish.com, a website I can't really reccomend because sometimes the engrish runs to the dirty (and the fact that it's accidental doesn't make it any better).

This shirt is especially funny to me because we're vegetarian... wouldn't that be a fun t shirt to wear around?

Ok, maybe not.

an amazing story

in Meridian magazine. Because Skywalker and I are saving up to adopt from Ethiopia, this has special significance. We're waiting to start until we've got $10,000 saved up... and living frugally so that we can.

This article also hit home, for me at least,because we're debating between 1 or 2 children. This program (AFAA) is the one that we're going to try to go through. With their program, you only spend $4,000 more if you adopt a second child. If there's room for one, there's room for 6, right? Anyway, it's a good read... very touching.

http://www.ldsmag.com/people/060710room.html

kisses?

Skywalker and I have this kissing book that he gave to his brother as a joke present. His brother gave it back to us as a wedding present. Well, among the kissing advice and kissing anecdotes are examples of kissing from other cultures. Here are two examples (I'm not sure how accurate they are, but the author claims to be a kissing expert, so I'm willing to trust his opinion):

The Japanese Kiss:

1) be shy about kissing.
2) forget that you already know about it.
3) ignore all kissing advice you have read or heard.
4) stand at least a foot away from your kissing partner.
5) lean forward.
6) don't hug or embrace.
7) don't use your hands at all.
8) genty touch your closed lips to the lower lip of your kissing partner.
9) don't say anything.
10) don't laugh.
11) be very serious.
12) act slightly embarrassed about the whole thing.
13) break off and step back.
14) be discreet and say nothing about the kiss.

(a sidenote, I would be utterly unable to obey #'s 10 & 11).

The Troubirand Islands Kiss:

1) sit on a mat together.
2) have a conversation.
3) you can hug your kissing partner.
4) rub noses and cheeks.
5) skipping until # 13 for the sake of propriety...
13) bite your partner's chin.
14) bite your partner's cheek.
15) nip at your partner's nose with your teeth.
16) Pull your partner's hair forcefully.
17) bite off your partner's eyelashes.


Which would you rather participate in (if you are currently married/dating someone?)

I think that, although Japanese sounds quite a bit safer, it also sounds rather impossible. To do all the time, I mean. ON the other hand, I'm already lacking in the eyelashes department.

If it were my beautiful, blonde daughters I were advising however (thinking ahead to when they'll be worrying about such things), I would go with the japanese kiss. Heck, for my teenage daugthers, it's probably preferable to american kissing.

Maybe, when loli turns 16, we'll move to japan.

Imagination run wild

For Sykwalker's birthday (happy birthday, Skywalker! 32, wow.), anyway, last night I condescended to watch King Kong. I have been brushing him off for months now (he wanted to watch it so badly that, once, when I took the kids somewhere errands-ish, instead of staying at home and doing homework like a good boy, he was off to the dollar theater to catch the last 2 hours of the movie. Spur of the moment, like.)

Ever since then, he's been wanting to watch it with me. And so we did, last night.

I L O V E D I T.

Ok, I know lots of people were down on it because of all the convoluted, drawn-out horror and action sequences, but I hung on all the way through, drinking it in like the fantasy-lovin' fanatic that I am.

I mean, that movie is the ultimate example of imagination run wild, don't you think? On the part the author of the book, and on the part of the director-- Peter Jackson, who is particularly known for his wild imagination.

Seriously. All the huge crawling horrible creatures, the emotional journey of one behemothic ape-man, the delicious eeriness of the skull-people.

As an amateur writer of fantasy, I appreciate an imagination gone wild. For instance, the aforementioned eerie skull clan. Wow, what a buildup. The people are just ratlike enough, and yet, just human enough, to be entirely disturbing.

I mean, you can disagree with me if you want. But I had to gush.

Signing off.

Maya Angelou

one of my favorite people!!

Here is a poem that she wrote. I love it.

Phenomenal Woman

Pretty women wonder where my secret lies.
I'm not cute or built to suit a fashion model's size
But when I start to tell them,
They think I'm telling lies.
I say,
It's in the reach of my arms
The span of my hips,
The stride of my step,
The curl of my lips.
I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

I walk into a room
Just as cool as you please,
And to a man,
The fellows stand or
Fall down on their knees.
Then they swarm around me,
A hive of honey bees.
I say,
It's the fire in my eyes,
And the flash of my teeth,
The swing in my waist,
And the joy in my feet.
I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

Men themselves have wondered
What they see in me.
They try so much
But they can't touch
My inner mystery.
When I try to show them
They say they still can't see.
I say,
It's in the arch of my back,
The sun of my smile,
The ride of my breasts,
The grace of my style.
I'm a woman

Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

Now you understand
Just why my head's not bowed.
I don't shout or jump about
Or have to talk real loud.
When you see me passing
It ought to make you proud.
I say,
It's in the click of my heels,
The bend of my hair,
the palm of my hand,
The need of my care,
'Cause I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

Skywalker's work

We're currently hunting a house while the sky is falling.

Ok, it's not that bad. It's just that Skywalker's job has taken a new turn (in the month since he accepted it, and keep in mind that it's a 6 month-old business).

His employers (3 independently wealthy entrepreneurs) have decided to part ways on this one. So now, two of the employees that Skywalker was planning on being able to work with and pick their brain and be trained by will no longer be available after 2 weeks. So he is scrambling to pick as much white matter as possible in the next fortnight.

Even scarier-- they're moving offices. And we're not sure WHERE they're moving to! And we're trying to find an apartment-- our contract is up on August first.

Ack. OK, so there are good things about being a starving college student as opposed to being Actually Employed. When you're a student, if your boss messes up, you get out of the final. When you're employed, well, you're just out of luck.

Keep your fingers crossed for us.

Can

An inspiring video. Made me tear up, which doesn't happen to me often ;) Info about this: This is a father-son team. The son was oxygen deprived at birth, and so has been wheelchair-bound his whole life. He communicates to his family through a computer set up to type through eye-movements. One time, he wanted to participate in a 5-K run sponsored by his community, and so his dad said he would push him in his wheelchair. Dad had never done racing before at this point. They came in 2nd to last. This inspired Dad to train several hours a day so that he could enter himself and his son into marathons, and eventually, triathalons. The son (Rick) loves athletics and competition, and so Dad (Dick) makes it possible for him to participate. Rick has graduated from college, and is now working on a project to give more people who are paralyzed the ability to communicate through eye movements.

a houseful of blondes

We got back from our vacation yesterday. It is so nice to spend time with family. It was an extended family reunion for four days... how fun is that.

My entire family is musical. I have a cousin majoring in performance on a certain instrument at BYU, and another working for her PhD in performance at another university. Lots of us have music minors, and one cousin is thinking of music education, like I did several years ago.

We sang "come thou fount of every blessing" in sacrament meeting. What a wonderful thing it is to be with family-- there's just something about the way they understand you, the way many of them enjoy the same things you do (like hiking and outdoors, for instance), the way that many of them even look somewhat like you. My husband almost hugged my cousin a couple of times because we look the same from behind. And we both just had babies (within 4 days of each other).

So it was fun, other than the car fiasco. Which made it so we didn't get to go on the family hike. But there's always next year, right? Of course, right.

My little brother starred as Fyedka in our little community's production of "fiddler on the roof."

I think he should take up folk dancing. The little blonde minx.

ode to a 94 tracer...

Our car has decided to total itself. One of the cylinders dropped right into the engine, breaking a piston on the way, leaving metal shavings inside the engine....

the long and short of it: the engine block needs replacing. Which means rebuilding the entire engine. Which means 2500 minimum. Which means we're done...

I paid 2400 for that car two years ago.

And a wonderful two years it has been. That car has been my knight in green-blue shiny sheet metal. When I bought it, it smelled like the sweet dry grasses of my hometown... and I bought it from a good friend of my grandpa, who had lovingly maintained it all the years he owned it.

I dated skywalker while driving this vehicle. We took it on our honeymoon. I started a new life with this vehicle two years ago, when I got my job after graduating school, and became an adult officially.

Skywalker and I had expected to have this vehicle for another 5-10 years at least...

but things just happen.

I was actually very sad yesterday, somewhat unnaccountably considering the fact that this is a car we are talking about, not a family member. But we're donating it to charity, and so my consolation is that it will be put to the best use possible.

Still I can't help feeling that I am betraying it by giving up on it... kind of like my family had to put our great dane to sleep before its time because it swallowed a sock and the surgery was going to run 3,000-- more than my parents were willing or able to pay. Why is that?

Well, moving on, moving up... I guess our next stop is a (ugh) mini-van. But until then, it's back to the red intrepid for us... we're gonna run that thing into the ground and i will have NO regrets about that. Evil red intrepid.

just kidding. Cars aren't people.