Oct 6, 2010


I feel like I'm closing out some accounts I've held onto during my life.

"Trauma" is one.

"Neediness" is another.

"Self-Consciousness," "Fear of Failure," "Fear of Others' Opinions" are some more.

Thirty has been very good to me. For some reason I've gotten past some important hangups I've had in life. I've realized, No, I Am A Good Person and this has improved my relationship with a lot of people. Unfortunately, it has made things a tad more strained with one or two people, though. I'm still figuring that out, because while I don't Care What Others Think Of Me, I do Care About Whether Or Not I Hurt Others, particularly those I care about.

I wrote a couple important letters this week. And I feel suddenly like I'm standing on top of it all, that I can say I'm finished dealing with the things that make me "different" from everybody else in Mormon culture because of what I've been through.

I've grown. I'm different from who I was. I'm not innocent anymore. But, (in the words of my bishop) I am more compassionate and also I feel like my faith has grown, because I see that God works in spite of and through imperfect vessels. And I'm starting to feel compassion and charity for those imperfect vessels, too... something I wasn't able to grasp before because of the strangeness of trauma and its aftereffects.

Anyway. Some serious omphaloskepsis and I guess this post is also self-indulgent, if the point of this blog is to entertain readers. But it really isn't, so, yeah. Thanks for reading.


merrilykaroly said...

I had to google that "o" word :)

I think that is awesome that you are dealing with those issues and having so many triumphs. I don't know when I will ever get over some of those. Maybe when I turn 30 :)

Anthony D said...

"Trauma" is one that I've never dealt with so I can't speak on that one.

I think it's great that you've closed the "Neediness," "Self-Consciousness," "Fear of Failure," "Fear of Others' Opinions" accounts! I've always avoided depositing in them myself. I agree that caring for others is important.